My Chaos

26 Oct

2011-10-26T11:29:00.001+03:00

On the brown, plain playground in the school close to my house, children are chanting for “Abu Hafez”, a group of children are gathering on the corner playing with a poor bird with a broken wing, a group of older girls beating up a small boy, 2 mukhabart cars outside as usual and I am just drinking more and more coffee and reading articles – it is painful to be on the margin of a homeland, ووطن.

Miss

2011-05-15T20:42:00.001+03:00

It's just... I miss blogging... I miss blogging so much!

Eternal Punishment

2010-10-14T21:38:00.000+03:00

"That thing of hell and eternal punishment is the most absurd, as well as the most disagreeable thought that ever entered into the head of mortal man."

George Berkeley

Tell it to the fishes

2010-07-17T00:46:00.001+03:00

Enchanting Melody

2010-06-25T20:12:00.004+03:00

When you decide to give up the ghost...

Every thing else follows

Even in midst of wildest chaos ...

* Henry Miller - Tropic of cancer

Learning Curve

2010-03-23T22:59:00.000+03:00

So what has changed…?
I don’t dislike the sun any more rather I only like it when raise up my head to face it when winter is falling every now and then, while reading a quiet book in Mar Mousa Monastery.
I don’t hate Fridays no more, but learned how to avoid them.
I planned to do a solo road trip to mid Europe this fall
I discovered that I am in love with Goethe
I learned how to pack and leave when colours disappear from a place. i.e. a relationship
I discovered that I never get bored!
I like blue and gray Pyjamas
My bag will never be in order
I hate people who take photos next to their cars
I can never do meditation with Sikh People.
My profession depends on disasters and wars.
“We” can’t be a true word as it doesn’t consider individuality.
I hate TV
I like Bjork
I realised basic elements in life… finally!
I like how walking with socks on a wooden floor feels
I like how old books smell
I am still learning, and life is still as exciting as it was to me when I was 7 years old!
Oh… and I really miss blogosphere!

Documentation

2009-11-29T00:22:00.000+03:00

Today… out of boredom and in one of those “need to organize something” moments, I decided to organize all the things in my room and get rid of everything that lost its meaning or use in my life.
I am not a “keep it for memory” kind of a person, the only things I keep are my scrap books and even these are thrown away in the trash more often when they bring bad memories or remind me of bad state of mind ,better to say self loathing and confusion… I find it pathetic to keep those things that provoke memories but apparently, that’s what I do.

today I found things I didn’t know they exist, pieces of papers which has poems which I’ve written 8 years ago, I used to write to newspapers and get so excited when they publish them, letters from my penpal Shayma from Iraq, we met through kids magazine “mijalet majed” which I used to read till I was 13, last letter I received from her was in 2000, she was telling me about her failing to go to medical school but she started her uni in Biological studies, I wonder what happened to her, did she survive the war? Did she finish her studies? Did she leave Iraq?.

I found photos of a school trip in the 8th grade, photos of friends who I have no idea where they are. I have 2 friends who we’ve been together since we were in the kindergarten, went to same school till highschool when we went to different schools. However, we kept our friendship, one of them has travelled to UK and is working there now, the other is married to a horrible doctor and has a gorgeous child, we used to make plans to run a way and live in the cherry castle… but we never did. I think we all are living in our own cherry castles in our own ways… I miss making plans with them.

Another thing I found and was shocking to me, 7 pages of anger, I wrote these when war started in Iraq and it’s full of anger and disgust, I remember those days clearly, I remember the smell of salad, my homework I was doing on that day, when Bagdad was invaded. How I am used to it now, to the idea of fatalities, to the idea of human corruption, how cold I’ve grown to become me!
I kept searching finding subway tickets when I was in London, something I’ve written when I was drunk for the first time in my life (2005), plans, lots of written plans, my worries and hopes, photos and post cards.

Why did I need to keep all of these, why did I felt the need to document all those memories, why did I feel weird and irritated to go through them? Why does it feel that I failed in something every time I go through memories? Why does it feel that I gave up on something every time I try to open my scrapbooks, hell… why do I keep a scrapbook in the first place?

Children and Rights

2009-11-23T16:46:00.005+03:00

According to the Syrian Arab Republic UN Development Assistance Framework, It is estimated that up to 26% of children in poor urban families are working.Child labor is one of the worst violations of child rights, and the most vulnerable to exploitation.

Additional to Syrian child labor, there are a growing number of Iraqi children who have been reported to drop-school and work in restaurants, factories, hotels and as domestic workers for girls for as little as 200 S.P or less per week. In such work places, children are forced to forget all about childhood, all about the "rights" convention that everybody is celebrating, and are being subjects for violent, harrasment and trauma.

Happy 20th Anniversary for signing the Convention on the Rights of the Child (CRC)!

UNICEF - Convention on the Rights of the Child - Using the Convention and Protocols for children

2009-11-23T16:01:00.002+03:00

UNICEF - Convention on the Rights of the Child - Using the Convention and Protocols for children

International human rights instruments such as the Convention on the Rights of the Child and its Optional Protocols are negotiated among United Nations Member States and are legally binding on the individual States that become parties to the instrument. There are two ways for a State to become a party: by signature and ratification or by accession.
In ratifying the Convention or an Optional Protocol, a State accepts an obligation to respect, protect, promote and fulfil the enumerated rights—including by adopting or changing laws and policies that implement the provisions of the Convention or Protocol.
The Convention places equal emphasis on all of the rights for children. There is no such thing as a 'small' right and no hierarchy of human rights. These rights are indivisible and interrelated, with a focus on the child as a whole. Governmental decisions with regard to any one right must be made in the light of all the other rights in the Convention.
Governments that ratify the Convention or one of its Optional Protocols must report to the Committee on the Rights of the Child, the body of experts charged with monitoring States' implementation of the Convention and Optional Protocols. These reports outline the situation of children in the country and explain the measures taken by the State to realize their rights. In its reviews of States’ reports, the Committee urges all levels of government to use the Convention as a guide in policymaking and implementation. And because the protection of human rights is by nature a permanent and endless process, there is always room for improvement.

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Friday

2009-11-20T21:12:00.000+03:00

Do you know these moments, when lying in bed late Friday morning, when after long hour of thinking about how dissatisfying your life is to you? And out of a sudden, you tell yourself to suck it up, and jump out of your bed to meet your friends over a cup of coffee and a sum of Blah blah blah conversations?

Friday has been always a day of emptiness to me; whatever I try to do; whomever I try to meet, it has always been a freaking Friday to me, but this Friday, by all means...was the worst.

From Sunday till Thursday I try to go on with life, 9 hrs of work, hang out with friends, try to get myself busy with all types of whatever activities are happening in evenings; I get home late, talk to mum, watch news, tired and empty I go to bed, think of work, put lists, write reports, read reports till I am sleeping, dreamless, feelingless I wake up, and off to another day.

I got my dream job not long ago, good position in an international NGO, doing interesting things but being sucked into the system. when I realize myself in the little moments of silence, I have those moments of little revolution which usually never survives the day. and I go on...
I love my job, don't get me wrong... I'm gaining loads of experice every day, but the passion that I've lost keeps kicking and screaming every now and then, and mostly...on Fridays.

On Fridays, I realize the emptyness, I lose the ability to resist being there all alone, try to regain what's left of passion, what's left to me... of me, things have became pretty ugly and meaningless lately, and I wont be surprised if blogging will be too much for my uninspired brain, as I quit on many things before, as I quit on love and desires, as I quit on all my childesh dreams, as I am growing up... it doesn't feel like me any more.

Sadly, I have been sucked to the machine, I am dreamless and unhappy, uninspired and still confused. I feel betrayed by my own desire to get in touch with my feelings, to understand the constant dissatisfaction and to gain all meanings back.

When God quit

2009-11-09T11:14:00.005+03:00

In one cloudy morning, people around the world woke up on the holiest voice ever, the voice said:
“Dear sons and daughters, gather all, I have something to say”
So, people dropped their coffees, children dropped their school bags, even policemen in white or blue or what ever color they’re wearing stopped waving with their hands and looked up.
Then, the voice said:
“look, I created you all, and now things went out of control, so, I will go and leave you guys alone, deal with your mess and don’t leave any thing hanging for my justice or for my permission or will, no hell, no heaven, no rules, create your own morals, I need to go away and try to find a new universe to create. So, from now on, deal with all the mess and I am quitting…!”
And the voice disappeared with the sweetest holiest music ever.

What would we do now?

How about taking care of the world we fucked up by all means?
Or maybe… just maybe... actually do something about what’s happening in Palestine rather than waiting for God’s will or for when our prayers will be answered?!
Or…or how about this, we actually THINK about morals, about laws, about logic about justice rather than do what we've been told to?
Next time, when we help someone, we will be happy and satisfied because we did the right thing, not because we'd be immortals in heave?!. How about that?!

But you know what?
You know what we'd do?

We would create yet another God…

Things are slow at work today.
Cheers all!

*with all respect to all religions, believers and non-believers.

Bethlehem University Student taken to Gaza against her will

2009-11-04T16:14:00.002+03:00

Earlier on 28th oct, Berlanty Azzam, a 4th year student enrolled at Bethlehem University, majoring in Business Administration with a minor in Translation, was arrested at a check point and was deported to Gaza denying her her right to learn.

According to Bethlehem University, on Wednesday night 28th Oc at 11:00pm the Israeli military loaded Berlanty into a military jeep blindfolded and handcuffed and moved her from Bethlehem to Gaza against her will.

Bethlehem University

Ethics

2009-11-01T16:55:00.001+03:00

"I do not believe in immortality of the individual, and I consider ethics to be an exclusively human concern with no superhuman authority behind it. "

Albert Einstein

Blogging week against the inferior looks to stray cats -أسبوع التدوين ضد النظرات الدونية للقطط الشاردة

2009-09-15T01:23:00.003+03:00

Launched by Abufares, the new blogging week is spreading creatively and brilliantly among fellow Anglo bloggers. As I am going through a create-less uninspiring week, all I can think of lately is the way we “Humans” who are so selfish, egotistic and insecure look down at straight cats.

Cats do have feelings and they do have dreams, ambitions, fears, maybe different from ours but that doesn’t make them less significant. That is something we must consider whenever we pass by a cat.

Once, I was heading to work, feeling so sick and was having a severe headache... in a desperate move I pushed my hand into my big bag trying to reach my mini-pharmacy in hope to make the pain go away, a cat was looking at me with an attitude, I didn’t pay much attention to him/her and I just walked passed him/her. She walked beside me for a minute and then stopped. She gave me a sympathetic look that I’ll never ever forget.

Cats do have personalities, so, whenever you are passing by them don’t underestimate their existence and don’t you ever think that your existence is more important than theirs; I don’t care about your reasons or logic. Cats deserve the look of respect.

That is one thing. Something else that really annoys me is when people use the word “animal” in order to show anger or irritation toward someone. That is so unfair to animals.

Let’s take those assholes for example; do you really think that calling them animals is fair to animals? Animals will never be so stupid and arrogant, call those assholes, jerks, idiots, fucked up – sick- robots –that might be a bit unfair to robots too- but anyway, do not call them animals.

Animals and cats precisely deserve our respect for minding their own business and for their struggling to exist without trying to end other’s existence, if only we can learn from these morals...

Peace of Mind

2009-09-12T18:08:00.001+03:00

هل لديك الصبر لتنتظر؟
حتى يستقر الوحل و يصفو الماء؟
هل يمكنك أن تظل بلا حراك؟

This feeling of silence, as holly as his smile and as quiet as the corner stone which is smiling boldly at all passing creatures...
I walk along the wall, covered with jasmine yet to be born, traffic lights change within restricted colours, and I breathe all the dust in and all the heat.
Car lights suck in all the colours of a dying summer.
I’m so damn stable and settled down, my brain is senseless and so is the noise.
I try to sleep but fail to close an eye
I try to feel but feelings are blocked outside
Peace, ugly peace, silent peace of mind, damn peace of mind..

Waiting for this ugly phase to pass, I am creating new ways to tie my shoes got new colorful ties for all my old converses, listening to PF and waiting...

In Control

2009-08-28T17:03:00.000+03:00

It just sounds meaningless, standing from the above observing, all those feelings of joy and despair. We all are made of dreams, fragile and yet extremely powerful. I am a God and so you are and so is everyone passing by, we are Gods trying to understand and trying desperately to be understood, to be heard and to just ... be in control.

Today I was standing on a high cliff, enjoying a spectacular view of the city, and just then and for a moment; I felt an urge to jump. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t wanna commit suicide, not in my future plans anyway, but this... this mixed feeling of fear and courage, fear of fatality yet the strong powerful urge to be in control of my own existence, of my being and the world around.

On my way back home, a man-taxi-driver wanted to pass my car, there was no way I’m gonna let him do it. He had no right to do that in a crowded narrow street while we both are equally driving on the same speed. He was furious, he shouted things about women and driving, I couldn’t hear him very well, my window was closed and Oasis were loud enough to stop the noise from the outside. That taxi driver was in need to control, to rule in his world which he thought he owned, a sick “male- domination” world, where he can controls easily for the merely privilege of having testosterone running with his blood.

Salma, a 30 years old girl diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy since she was 2 years old, she is a patient at the homecare, she’s lived there since then and with the lack of awareness, resources and care toward such cases, she was never educated or experienced the life out there, outside the homecare walls. She stays in that room with 4 other children and watches T.V all day long. Salma has learned more than anyone expected from her to learn. When someone stops by her bed, he must lower his voice because “Loloo” her daughter – a toy made of fabric” is sleeping next to her. She’s creating her own world where she’s in a total control. She is a gorgeous mother with the most beautiful smile I’ve ever seen.

Somer, a 12 years old, Iraqi refugee child, never been in School since he fled Iraq 5 years ago, he collected 75 S.P to buy a red pen and a note book, he wants to write his diaries, wanting to be in control of the past as he is incapable of being in control his future.

Sarah, a friend of mine, since she bought her new camera, never spent an evening at home, she loves taking photos of her daily life routine, capturing the moment, controlling time.

We all have our own tiny ways of keeping in control, for things that mean to us. We all are Gods in so many different ways. We created religions, systems, dreams, fears and memories... and we keep building and keep destroying.

ملاحظة هامشية بلا أهمية

2009-08-22T14:04:00.004+03:00

لما بتمشي بأي بلد, بأي شارع, بأي حارة بتلاحظ شي

كلما علت أصوات تلفزيوناتهن....انخفضت اصواتهن

ووين صواتهن

راحت صواتن

I Heart Graffiti

2009-07-31T15:33:00.005+03:00

Banksy

The Group Marriage charity!

2009-07-28T01:59:00.003+03:00

"وتهدف الجمعية إلى مساعدة الشباب والشابات على الزواج وعلى تحصين أنفسهم وهي تعي تماماً ما يتعرض له جيل الشباب من ضغوط مادية تنعكس على وضعهم النفسي والفكري كما أن انتشار البطالة وقلة فرص العمل وارتفاع أسعار السكن وغلاء المهور وانتشار الفاحشة وغيرها من المشكلات هي إحدى الأسباب لتأسيس الجمعية أيضاً والذي يعتمد عملها الرئيسي على المحسنين الذين يقدمون التبرعات. "

Dear “blessed” people helping our youth to have sex under the approval of your standards, while Chastising the “youth” and giving them the chance to "fortify" themselves and to avoid the act of forbidden love by dragging them into a life of early social and economical burden in which they are not prepared for... Do Syria a favour and include a lot of condoms and safe sex advice with other household stuff you distribute for the newlyweds!

Nietzsche with a Nightly coffee

2009-07-20T02:19:00.003+03:00

'To the clean are all things clean' — thus say the people. I, however, say unto you: To the swine all things become swinish! Therefore preach the visionaries and bowed-heads (whose hearts are also bowed down): 'The world itself is a filthy monster.' For these are all unclean spirits; especially those, however, who have no peace or rest, unless they see the world FROM THE BACKSIDE — the backworldsmen! TO THOSE do I say it to the face, although it sound unpleasantly: the world resembleth man, in that it hath a backside, — SO MUCH is true! There is in the world much filth: SO MUCH is true! But the world itself is not therefore a filthy monster!

Friedrich Nietzsche

Dishonored...

2009-07-02T03:52:00.006+03:00

Syrian President Mr. Bashar al-Assad issued today an announcement provides a legislative amendment to the Article number 548 of the Syrian Penal Code which gives justifications to murders against women in the name of honour.

Text of the decree:

“Issued by President Bashar al-Assad today, Legislative Decree No. (37)- 2009 to abolish the article / 548 / of the Penal Code and replace it with another text of the decree is as follows:

Syrian Arab Republic Legislative Decree No. (37) President of the Republic Based on the provisions of the Constitution Draw the following: Article 1 - delete the article (548) of the Penal Code and replace it with the following:” He who catches his wife or one of his ascendants, descendants or sister committing adultery or illegitimate sexual acts with another and he killed or injured one or both of them benefits from an mitigating of penalty that has a minimum sentence of two years imprisonment for murder."

The old text of Article 548 stated that:

"He who catches his wife or one of his ascendants, descendants or sister committing adultery or illegitimate sexual acts with another and he killed or injured one or both of them benefits from an exemption of penalty."

This isn't a detailed information about the "new" article, I am not writing to spread the news, I am writing to state what I have to say about it, the shame and the disapointment ...

Not much of a change…! Murders committed against women in the name of “honor” are still considered less of an offensive act, are still excused, and are still JUSTIFIED.

"DisHonor" crimes justification laws must be abolished, with no replacement. Not only for the sake of justice, not for the sake of revenge, but for the sake of reduction.

I am not happy, not even slightly relieved. I feel more bitter. at least the article 548 was put tens of years ago. the modified version is issued today and it still justifies killing and it still says that any Syrian girl is a less- human and a less-citizen and a possible future victim of a murder by the blessing of laws!

For them

2009-06-30T01:13:00.004+03:00

Here I sit… hands on the keyboard are perfectly placed, radiohead to set the rhythm of my heartbeats, caffeine to set the mood right and to try to stop me from using the ”F” word that I usually feel like writing an “F” song for such moments.

generally, when I feel in such hollow anger and pain that goes beyond freaking my friends out, I do some painting, a childish healing procedure and then occasionally blog a bout it but … I just don’t feel that I wanna be bothered to think about what’s bothering me at the first place… not again. Plus, a friend of mine told me recently that this blog is like an angry Psycho’s blog. Well, let’s face it… it is.

I don’t wanna blog about the soreness, I want to blog about them
Those people who come from no where, sit with you for a minute, sensing you, looking into you… with all the noise out there, you just don’t pay much attention to them, you just smile at them, without even putting the effort to look like you mean it. They have this precious gift of cutting your soul open, exposing your heart to the sun, few words that leave you naked, dazed satisfied and secure.

And as they are leaving, you can’t help but to follow them with your eyes.
And the noise stops...

I’m writing today, not about the soreness, but

For them, for my long awaited aspiration of my chaos, for every one who’s diving in rainbows, for those who still bother to check this chaotic corner.

Nighty night :)

When he was in the military

2009-06-26T14:09:00.001+03:00

There is one phrase that summarize how sick and twisted this world is… well at least, it is to me…

"When I was in the military, they gave me a medal for killing two men and a discharge for loving one."

Leonard Matlovich – US army
(1943"1988)

To be

2009-06-14T22:48:00.005+03:00

To be a total freak and happy about it, to do a silly dance in the middle of a class and let every one involved in it, to paint my nails in different (difficult to remove) colors and pursuit him to let me paint his. To shout joyfully or furiously whenever looking out of a new window, to cry hilariously in airports and do some group singing healing, to put an to-do list for 30 times (with colors and cool drawings), and then put them where they belong – trash of course-, to never be satisfied enough, to always try to make small stones doing small jumps on the lake and to always fail to, to pitch about life all the time, to feel a chronic pain whenever visiting a governmental institution yet to enjoy the view of an alive-dead Damascus from the roof of the city council, to paint my closet whenever I feel down.

to regret and to make spontaneous films with friends, to Sarooja, to Argeeleh, to miss charlotte’s coffee, to wear the silliest funkiest dress ever to a “fancy” restaurant, to come up with spontaneous trips, pack and go, to hate sleeping and then to hate waking up, to have my eyebrow up in an amazed position lots of times – I don’t know why, a childhood doohickey-, to always complete assignments perfectly on the last minute, to be able to smell months and...to fall again and again and again and stand up again and again…

To be me and to be alive and to realize both facts through weird freaky moments of staring at the mirror, it's weird how we sometimes forget about those two essential facts!

and after realizing I know that

An Insignificant thought about the historical era we live!

2009-06-05T14:01:00.003+03:00

I’ll leave every one behind analyzing and fighting over Obama’s speech, and spend the day in Marmousa with a close friend who has nothing to do with politics. A guitar addict who cares the least about the world around him.

Anyhow, one thing that really annoys me inhere, it’s the fact that we all are so obsessed with the “historical” speech blabbing about how our fates depends on it; eyes are wide open, ears are wide open, brains intensively working with analyzing, twittering between friends, you can hear the keyboard tap-dancing and pencils scratching painfully on blank papers…

It’s weird if you thought about it for a minute; our future depends on every thing except on us. I’m not trying to underestimate the “role” of the international politics in our lives as Middle Easters eating, drinking, talking, fighting and breeding… but give it a thought….

Our country’s future depends on his (not our) speech and his plans (not ours) to communicate with those (not us) who are ruling (our) country in the most backward way possible, but it’s never depended on us. Nothing depends on us in any thing… God, what useless freaks we are!
And who are (us) anyway?!

So, as insignificant and self-centered as I am, I will be happily thinking about the magnificent article I’ve read today, pack my scrapbook and my camera… and hop to my self-centered heaven for the day.

Morning Stuff, Airport stuff

2009-06-02T09:01:00.007+03:00

Peter’s flight was this morning, I hate saying goodbyes to dear friends in the mornings! Mornings are supposed to be nothing but cool shower, coffee, news, good chats and driving to work...

Anyhow, I was just leaving the Airport when this conversation took part between two real “Arabism cheerleaders” who were walking by:

The guy with a pink shirt: Have you heard about the French plane’s air crash?
The other guy with white hat: Oh yeah, it’s horrible!
The first guy: Were there any Arabs?
The other guy: No, as I know they weren’t any.
The first guy who sounded so relieved: Thank God!

At that point I was walking faster and faster away from those cheerleaders till I got to the car, in a state of disbelieving as... usual...

Good morning!

Hijab and the thin line between prejudice and tolerance

2009-05-30T15:56:00.003+03:00

There is a thin line between hypocrisy and standing for personal freedoms or let’s say between prejudice and tolerance.
I do understand that due to the general practice of forcing religions and religious behavior into an oppressed society which is seeking its way out of an internal fear culture and external existential threat by clutching into religions and all types of the to-go set of rules… I do understand how easy it is to be drifted into prejudice when it comes to “hijab”.

A girl with hijab is either an oppressed, ignorant, submissive girl. Or a good girl with good morals and a potential tool to save the doomed society to the “heaven of Islamic Imara”…! A girl with hijab is forced to wear it, a girl with hijab is a brain-less pitch who could just jump into prostitution due to sexual oppression, a girl with hijab has limited freedom, a girl with hijab is an uncivilized prospect in societies, a girl with hijab is …. And the list won’t end.
It’s like this girl is packed into different shapes and is ready to be sold out in the supermarket for public -so-called-intellectuals and scholars to be bent into any shape they wish.

And the same goes if we tried to scan the public prejudices of girls with mini-skirts.

What I want to say inhere is very clear: whether if I wear hijab or I walk naked in the street, I should not be subjective to your prejudice in any form.

I am generalizing in here, and I understand how it is difficult to be perfectly spotless from all this madness around.

And I realize that it’s not that simple. To talk specifically about hijab. It’s way more complicated. There is a big percentage of girls who are some how forced to wear it, it could be the fear of your judgment that forced her into wearing it. And at the same time there is a big percentage of girls who took hijab off or didn’t wear it even though that they wanted to in order not to be subjective to your judgment or to the lack of good employment.

You can have your own opinion about it, you may refuse the idea or hate it, and you may think that it’s unnatural for a human being to cover her /his head, you may even find it as a tool to consider women as sexual targets, there are a lot of those ideas I do agree with. But I also do respect the free choice any girl does take to put hijab on or to take it off, I do respect if the girl considers it as a symbol, as a practice of her believe or even as an expression of identity.

Personally speaking, as some one whose believe system is constantly messed up, that got me to wear hijab some time before then deciding to take it off, as some one who went from believing to atheism to Islam to agnosticism and maybe to Buddhism or to “I don’t give a shit”.. I was discriminated against by some of those who consider themselves “intellectuals” by those who call themselves as “anti-discrimination” activist… I used to try to justify myself till I realized that I don’t have to…

So, let’s when calling for freedom of expression to call for the principle itself and not for a set of rules that might abuse the very principles we are calling for.

Cheers all.

So, Penguins can fly!

2009-05-28T22:38:00.005+03:00

So, Penguins can fly. I would be surprised and disappointment if some one proved me wrong.

On my way to Heathrow, I was looking every where for this… the prejudice, the hostility, the paranoia… and the fear.
I smelled it all around. But nothing was directed at me though.

I read three pages and kept stuffing my mouth with these sweet rounded thingies which led me to one conclusion: “maltesers” is the best traveler’s companion ever!

Never mind this madness; I thought I was drunk, but I'm sure I wasn’t! I got drunk only 4 times in my life, the last time wasn’t as “fascinating” as the first … I truly felt so clear minded and balanced.

I need to find an internship program A.S.A.P; for the sanity of all people around.
I need to find a decent job A.S.A.P for the almost zero balance in my account.
I need to hug him A.S.A.P for the sanity of reality and passion.
I need to have some coffee.
I need to start working on the hundreds of projects I’m still keeping as drafts.
I need to wake up at 5:30 tomorrow to catch my trip back to Damascus.
I need to paint my closet and my toes.
I need to run till I get to really breathe the life in.
I want to work in a bakery one day with my fake grandmother.
I need to tell Beirut how much I love her.
I need to scream for no Particular reason.

So, where were we?

Yeah, Penguins… 3 days a go a cute penguin knocked on my window, woke me up with the most adorable smile ever, I smiled back, and he flew away.
I called a friend and asked him if we could use the help of Penguins to end the financial crisis. after a long debate we reached a conclusion that they could... big time!

It’s good!

An Identity Crisis, Wrong time and Wrong place

2009-05-18T12:12:00.003+03:00

Yesterday in the bus:
Lights were dim and so was the existence of every one around, trying to read George Orwell’s 1984… but it was too hot and too dark.

got off, met them, felt so sick but managed to stand there... laid my head back to the wall, paralyzed even to get my cell phone which was screaming inside my backbag.
He kept victimizing himself… and I kept silent, unable to hear him and unwilling to notice his existence…

An identity crisis, at the wrong time and wrong place…

2 days ago:
With Pete, Standing on Qasyoun overlooking Damascus, feeling so small and so existed:

“You know… I have a love-hate relationship with this city”.

Guilt…for loathing the society. Appreciation to love, history and diversity… hating the crowd.
Disgust, worship, anger, love…and guilt… lots of guilt, all at once.
It’s confusing.

An identity crisis, at the wrong time and wrong place…

But it’s ok, I will be fine… someday I will understand and maybe I won’t but it’s ok, I might wouldn’t have want to. It’s weird, but it’s ok, it has never made sense.

We break through and get locked in over and over and over, and nothing is as painful as getting locked outside you. Alienating yourself away… you breath inside out and get dressed outside in.

You think hard on how to stop yourself thinking and when you think you are able to be in the state of comfort, you just break down into tremendous pieces that you never thought they lived in you. You throw up diamonds but it cut your throat and you’re not able to explain, not even to yourself, you are voiceless and dazed…

I am not angry, I am not falling apart, I am not even sad…and I don’t understand a word of what I’m writing… but I’ve just realized, I don’t have to…
And I am not in denial… but I’m just confused… and I need to go for a walk.

A life cycle theory

2009-04-25T20:36:00.001+03:00

"The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends, I mean life is tough, it takes up alot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What the fuck is that? A bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first and get it out of the way. Then live in an old age home. You get kicked out when your too young. You get a gold watch, you go to work for forty years until your young enough to enjoy retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play and you have no reponsibilities. You become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating around -- and you finish off as an orgasm."

George Carlin

Imprisonment and Whipping of 75 year-old Woman

2009-04-15T16:48:00.002+03:00

Khamisa Sawadi, who is Syrian but was married to a Saudi, was convicted and sentenced last week for meeting with men who were not her immediate relatives.
The sentencing of a 75-year-old widow to 40 lashes and four months in prison for mingling with two young men who were reportedly bringing her bread has sparked new criticism of Saudi Arabia's ultraconservative religious police and judiciary. The two men, including one who was Sawadi's late husband's nephew, were also found guilty and sentenced to prison terms and lashes.

What a pitch!... How could she ask some one who is "not her immediate relative" to bring bread??
it's an act for adultary... They could go wild and have a child and ruin the society...
That is the common sense for a society ruled by the Devil himself with the name of what so called"God-given" system.

Let Loose

2009-04-05T21:15:00.003+03:00

I am that close to losing the grip and falling apart.
I've been resisting it for a few weeks now, and I don't think that I have the power to keep resisting. Sometimes falling into that deep foggy hole that you've always been afraid of is the only rational thing to do to have yet another realization.
I'll have a deep breath and allow all the darkness, anxiety and uncertainty to flow inside my heart. Nothing in this world, nothing can hold that off...I have my comfort circle, my 3 bottles of basic colors, my books, my music and all my weirdness to keep me safe and sane.
I'll close the doors and open this little window. I'll take off the batteries of all the clocks and watches that were ever made.
I won’t allow anything or anyone to bring in the sensation of time, or even existence.I’ll welcome this sweet painful emptiness.

Can you smell it...? Can you feel it??

Home away from home

2009-03-30T21:43:00.004+03:00

She held his hands, kissed them and cried…
“Take good care of yourself dear son, eat well, don’t try to fix the electricity in there like you do in here, don’t forget …………”

We all, stood there...

The airport was cold and stinky… lights were so white and so blue
People with military uniforms were everywhere.

We shook hands, I couldn’t hug him…
He smiled, waved and went away…

Silence...

He wants to be an architect… He doesn’t want to do military service.
He doesn’t want to lose his humanity he said

When we loose the control of something in our lives, we try to create virtual tools to feel in control, and yet
I miss him like hell!

Sick

2009-03-06T18:06:00.008+03:00

Of what the Syrian blogosphere has turned into.

Fuck all those psychos who are launching any campaign calling for any kind of discrimination.

A report

2009-01-28T19:32:00.001+03:00

For some reason, I feel so alienated of all this mess around.

I am so bloody busy doing stuff I don’t like and don’t enjoy… today I realized how much I miss my own self centered world.

I feel like I am dehumanizing lots of people around, which I know I don’t have the right to, but again it is the selfish self centered me.

I am sitting in this weird internet cafe, I had to give in my driving license to use the internet, its so frustrating I wanna shout at these guys!!

But again I will be shouting at the wrong direction, just like what I did in all those protests and demonstrations I took part in during the last month.

Again re identifying.

We sat in a closed group with fine but extra sweet Palestinian tea, we talked and decided. Some people even were shouting about their standards and red lines.

Build a strategy, that what they suggested.

The next morning but no one was in the room, but the tea is still good, still sweet.

I called but what a surprise…!

Drafts….drafts…

Phosphoric Wish

2009-01-14T12:59:00.002+03:00

There was a rumor in Gaza that children kept whispering to each other:

"Children who are killed with phosphoric bombs are going to be birds in the sky of heaven and have the total freedom to fly wherever they want… "

I wish I was a child in Gaza, and so when I turn into a bird, I will go to the UN in one of the Security Council's meetings and shit (something Phosphoric) on Ban Kimon eyes while he is " recognizing Israel's security concerns regarding the continued firing of rockets from Gaza," and condemning Israel's "excessive use of force"

Silence

2009-01-12T11:49:00.001+03:00

The last thing I've seen on TV last night before I go to bed was:

The new recorded number of martyrs that reached 888 HUMANS...

Some one on news trying to "idiologize" the resistance into a limited religious force…!

And a girl covered with bloody white sheet, being driven to the morgue; she had black hair and was wearing red socks...

For some reason, the act of talking and listening is making me sick these days,
I am not optimistic like lots of people around...
"The resistance is winning! Israel couldn't accomplish their target!!"
"It is the time for the new era, the new revolution"...
That is what optimistic people around keep shouting and analyzing.

"they will destroy Gaza even more", "it will end like Sabra did end, like deir yassine ended and what remain will be horrific photos and tragic memories"
That is what pessimistic people around keep crying.

And I am trapped in between, living the silence of the morgue...

Needed as soon as possible.

2009-01-08T13:23:00.003+03:00

Any materials - in good shape- and suitable to be sold in a Bazaar that will start in the cultural centers this week hopefully.
ideas includes:

Hand mades
secoundhand books (in a good shape)
CDs (history of Palestine, music, games, programmes...etc)
Candles, and any other dicoration pieces
any other things that can be sold

the income of this Bazaar will be sent by "the right to return" organisation and then to UNRWA to send it to Gaza.

the Plan by UNRWA to send the aid is going to be like this:

- sending the money to the UNRWA in the west Bank

- Buy materials there and then send them to Gaza - this is the quickest way we thought of-

if you can help in any of the above please call: 0963-949927721

Thank you

The Media's priorities in covering demonstrations.

2009-01-01T13:37:00.003+03:00

We called Aljazeera, Reuters and the Syrian TVs, to cover the silent demonstration. Reuters didn’t come but the rest did... Suddenly at 11:10 school kids came in and they started shouting and cheering to Gaza and the president… our demonstration is silent so we waited and apparently the Media was more interested in the cliché and that’s what they broadcasted, inspite they witnessed with their cameras the conversation between our spokesman and the employees of the EC when handling them the petition, it was so significant, but it wasn't broadcasted, when we were asked to give the Security office a copy before sending it to the EC, but I think it didn't fit to their program…
I wish we have a real media that just take the incident as it is, like what Media is supposed to do.
I didn't mind the Syrian TV doing this though, it was expected but what about Aljazeera?, It got me to question the degree of professionalism of those who work as reporters..
it's not a big deal but it is just....sad and annoying.

FACTS ARE FACTS…NOT TAKING SIDES!

The Silent Demonstration for Gaza at the European commissionaire in Damascus

2009-01-01T00:26:00.011+03:00

This petition was sent to Brussels this afternoon with the signatures of all demonstrators:

"Petition for an Immediate End of Hostilities and the Restoration of Non Violent Means

- To be sent with signatures enclosed to EC Damascus, UN Damascus, and International Embassies-

We, young and active members of the Syrian society, voluntarily coming from different backgrounds and ideologies gathering with the sole intention of supporting civilian human right in Gaza,
Observing the current deteriorating situation on the ground in Gaza, Palestine
Highly aware of the Israeli continues violations of various international humanitarian laws including IHL Protocol III –Article 2 regarding targeting civilians and specially by air delivered incendiary weapons, and Article 3 in all Four Geneva Convictions regarding the movement and protection of the wounded as well as medical teams,
Regretting the discrimination and dual standards being used by international forces in dealing with the conflict in Gaza
Reaffirming our role and responsibility as concerned human beings and citizens in our country as well as our human society
Deeply concerned about the Israeli advancement on the borders of Gaza and the call upon 2500 soldiers of the Israeli reserve army
Referring to the Barcelona Declaration 1995
Pursuant to international laws against terrorism and international human rights
Reaffirming the importance of a non-violent solution for the current crisis,

Condemn the current war being launched against Gaza and the killings of innocent Palestinian civilians
Call for the European Union to take urgent steps towards:
- Progressing with the recent European draft of an immediate cease of fire among the two conflict parties and that the ceasefire will remain permanent and not temporary
- Insuring the safety of aid campaigns stuck on the borders of Rafah and harbors of Haifa and supporting them getting into the Sector
- Insuring an immediate and serious action towards the Israeli aggression against Rafah crossing point
- Insuring that the ceasefire will continue to release Gaza from the previous aggressive Siege right after the end of the violence
- Pressuring the Israeli Authorities to allow Gas and Fuel into the Sector for humanitarian cause
- Coordinating with the Egyptian side to re-open Rafah crossing point and facilitate the crossing of aids into the Sector and the humanitarian cases out of it.
- Investigating the war crimes committed against the civilians in the recent conflicts
Call upon Israeli leaders to immediately end the ongoing violence
Call upon world leaders to end the political and economic sanctions on Palestine
Call for an immediate round of negotiations between the Palestinian and the Israeli side to resolve the conflict in the troubled region."

Big thanks to all who took part in this peaceful demonstration, inspite the unexpectable school protests... we silently showed that the world is watching their shameless silence.

"And we love life, if we found away to it".... Mahmoud Darwish

و نحن نحب الحياة... إذا ما استطعنا إليها سبيلا

peacful new year!

Have You Say...Gaza

2008-12-29T01:29:00.005+03:00

Can we just pause a little and get to business on line?
Don't be considerate not to disturb people with facts... What's happening in Gaza are facts, death toll is still rising, and it will keep rising... we're not seeking sympathy, we are seeking justice, keep this in your mind.
Send to CNN, BBC, Haaretz, the Guardian, the independent, ynetnews, israelnationalnews, the Jerusalem Post… Use the simplest media available, yahoo, Twitter… any thing available.

Israel is like a scared beast, mass killing Palestinians, read their comments, they are sickingly cheering and shamelessly encouraging the killings... their human instincts and values are twisted in the most barbaric sick way.

Livni is trying to get her people's support, don't allow her to.
use headlines like: Britain hardens position on Israel, as world calls for end to violence

up to 1,500 protesters against Israel's Gaza campaign gathered in a vociferous demonstration in London

Have you say...

Chaos can only be good

2008-12-26T16:28:00.006+03:00

Again…
Believing in chaos

But questioning the efficiency

I should not

But I am

Waiting

The noise didn’t stop
I am sick of it

"Rajaz", "shout"… listening to the same music I did

"Camel"

when Driving at night along a dark road

Years ago

When I started questioning God

when I gained all my adictions

It doesn’t matter now
Numb
The clouds don’t cheer me up any more
Numb
Chaos… Hope

it's exotic

My shoes are still untied

it is alright now

shhhh...no panic

Chaos is good...

Their lives are not BILLS TO PAY you idiot!!!

2008-12-21T15:20:00.001+03:00

So the ceasefire in Gaza has ended, well …it wasn't a ceasefire in the first place, Israel was and still causing the death of tens of Palestinian through the blockage…!
But now, I'm holding my breath and closing my eyes, waiting to hear the screams of tens of crying mothers and panicked children… ambulances and shouting on the megaphones… I'm afraid to open the TV to watch the news…

An idiot called Aljazeerah last night to give his opinion on "manbar Aljazeerah" and said:
" there shouldn’t be a ceasefire in the first place"
And when the presenter asked him "don't you think it's easier for those who are NOT under the bombs to say so than those who are threatened and are suffering every day?"
The intelligent idiot replied "ya akhi al kareem- dear brother", every thing has a BILL, and those people are WILLING TO DIE, it’s a bill they have to pay "….
How the fuck would you say on behalf of millions if they are willing to die, why don’t you move your fat ass and try to join them and give your life to pay the BILL?!

Their lives are not BILLS waiting to be paid!! When will we be able to look at our people as humans and individuals rather than considering them organs of "Arabism and religions"?

Volunteer with us for a greener Damascus (Fri 26/Dec)

2008-12-19T14:39:00.001+03:00

We will meet at the bus station (jisr al rayes) at 9:30 am
And then either leaving for one place of different places, depend on the number.
The focus area will be "Midan" streets and gardens.
• Please bring your own drinking water
• And bring your friends!

Aims of this activity:
- promote sense of responsibility and ownership among participants.
- Encouraging participants to carry on their own volunteering projects.
- try to clean green areas as much as we can, focusing attention on "Plastic wastes"
Note: please confirm if you are planning to volunteer so I can plan the activity better knowing the number of volunteers :)
Very important note: this activity is completely independent from any NOGs or any other organization, just punch of people willing to do some volunteering in Friday 27th Dec.

اللقاء: في كراج جسر الرئيس الساعة التاسعة و النصف صباحا يوم الجمعة 26 كانون الأول
المغادرة إلى عدة مناطق في دمشق أو لمنطقة واحدة تبعا لعدد المتطوعين
نقطة التركيز "الميدان" و ما حولها
• الرجاء إحضار ماء للإستعمال الشخصي
• و أصدقائك إن أمكن!

أهداف النشاط: - تشجيع حس المسؤولية بين المتطوعين
- تشجيع المتطوعين على المبادرة الفردية لخلق مشاريع تطوعية
- محاولة تنظيف الساحات الخضراء (حدائق, أماكن مهملة...) و التركيز على إزالة النفايات البلاستيكية.
ملاحظة صغيرة: أنا بحاجة لمعرفة عدد المتطوعين فرجاء في حال أرت التطوع تأكيد ذلك :)
ملاحظة تانية (مو صغيرة...كبيرة): هذا النشاط نابع من مبادرة شخصية و ليس تابع لأي منظمة أو جمعية , بس ناس حابة تعمل شي مفيد يوم الجمعة 26 كانون الأول.

Be there or be Square!

Things to Worry About

2008-12-17T12:38:00.007+03:00

It did set things right, it took only flying shoes to get all these people in action against the US crimes in Iraq finally;

"Let me second the call. Do not listen to know-nothings calling this man an "ingrate" for not appreciating American sacrifice. That's nonsense. We have invaded this country under false pretenses, killed hundreds of thousands, displaced millions, allowed 70% to live without access to water or electricity, and brought a once-great society to rubble. It is perfectly human to feel frustration and rage.
And if you refuse to open your mind enough to think of that, think about Baghdad on fire for the last month of your Presidency. Think about security gains lost. I'd ask you to think about the dead, but you won't, so think about your legacy."

It was a great moment, it felt so good watching the news over and over and over.
But… people, this is no victory, please stop calingl it victory... then this will underestimate the lives of those who were killed because of Bush's crimes and genocides. Please don’t make it like he has taken what he deserves while what he deserves is not only a public humiliation, but a public trial.
Millions of victims between those who lost their lives, who lost their loved ones or their secure homes are worthy of better justice.

We all should be calling for Bush to stand before the international criminal court for all the war crimes, fake reports, crimes against humanity and the violations for the international Humanitarian law… he should not enjoy the "normal quiet happy life" that Laura is planning for her husband to have.

Moreover, and more importantly, we all should be concerned about the condition of Muntader. His brother and many other officials reported that he suffers broken arm, broken rips and internal bleeding, we all heard his screams in front of the cameras, not to forget to mention that he was declined the right to be given access to a legal representative. Can you imagine what kinds of torture he is going under right now? under Al Rubaie/AL Maliki's system and US militia that is considered as an expert in torturing profession?

This is something that we should worry about more than celebrating the flying shoes, we will celebrate it more with Muntader is in between us rather than celebrating it with him going under torture, cause then, it will only mean that we are again a punch of cheerleaders with no concerns of the Human value.

Destructive anger

2008-12-01T16:17:00.001+03:00

I'm filled with anger, deep rooted anger, anger for all those who are too busy burying their loved ones to feel angry, or even to feel…angry at all this fuckin mess that doesn’t make any sense, if there is a God then he should taste all the suffering he is putting human under, it's shit, it's horrible, its crazy, it's dark and it's so fucking painful...

I don’t know why I'm writing this shit here, I don’t know what I should do to release that anger, it can't be productive, I'm in such deep pain that beyond doing any thing constructive.

I will go for a walk...

Volunteer for the environment, The International Volunteer Day in Syria

2008-11-30T00:38:00.009+03:00

"Dear colleagues, partners and friends,

You are all cordially invited to participate in our InternationalVolunteer Day 2008 activities, which will take place Friday 5thDecember. We need a lot of volunteers, and UN staff and staff fromsponsor organizations are especially encouraged to sign up. RedCrescent is our main implementing partner, and is organizing themobilization of volunteers in Damascus (call the Red Crescent andregister yourself).

This year a number of UN agencies and NGOs in Syria are promoting volunteerism for environmental awareness (MDG 7) through organizing anEnvironmental Campaign focusing on canvas bags as an alternative toplastic bags. The campaign is taking place in Lattakia and Damascus, incl.UNRWA Yarmouk camp.

In each city, we are going to clean up selected areas for plastic andother waste, distribute canvas bags, flyers and booklets to raiseenvironmental awareness, and organize children to paint their owncanvas bag within the concept of "Learning How To Play". NGOs will also be invited to display their activities to the children andvisitors. We are mobilizing 500 volunteer and 500 children in each city + 150 children in Yarmouk camp.

Please see the IVD campaign spots and program for the Damascus event below:

Activity: Clean-up of plastic and other waste
Location:Selected areas of Damascus
Time: 8.30
Pick up at al-Fayha by busses11.00 Cleaning finishes.
Breakfast at al-Fayha for the volunteers, Children painting their own canvas bag Environmental awareness raising to childrenAl-Fayha
10.30 Official Opening of IVD for partner organizations and sponsors
12-18.00 Children are invited to participate in activities organizedby the volunteers and NGOs19.00 Celebration reception for the volunteers onlyDistribution of canvas bagsEnvironmental awareness through flyers, booklets and documentation showCham City Center + Grandmart supermarket
13.00 Distribute canvas bags in the Supermarket, and raiseenvironmental awareness from IVD stand
16.00 Shops open. Distribute flyers and booklets on all floors of theCity Center.

Even if you don't sign up to become a volunteer, you are most welcometo visit our activities on the day. Canvas bags are distributed forfree in the supermarket to customers.

In the name of the Volunteer Spirit and hopes for a great event,

Signe Ejerskov (Ms.)
UNV Programme Officer
UNDP Syria
Visit us online: http://www.undp.org.sy/, http://www.un.org.sy/, http://www.unvolunteers.org/
Tel.:+963 11 612 98 11 (ext. 293)
Fax: +963 11 611 45 41 "

you can see the poster(Arabic) here, I couldnt upload it to blogspot, if you need English posters please send me an e-mail cause the posters are too big to download.

See you guys there, bring friends and cameras!
Be there or be square ;)

If a dog chews shoes, whose shoes does he choose?

2008-11-28T14:44:00.005+03:00

I just feel a little silly today, such a tragedy strategy to survive Fridays though…Bear with me my fellow bears.

Okay, here are some nice tongue twisters that can drive your whole family away from the house so you can have the house for your self and have a party the whole night without even hearing from your family till the next day…
Or if you wanna annoy some one who is easy to irritate, do it in group… trust me it works!

" She sells sea shells on sea shore the shells she sells are seashells for sure."

"Cheap sheep on cheap ship eating cheap chips ( 10 times quickly)"

"Betty Botter had some butter,"But," she said, "this butter's bitter.If I bake this bitter butter,it would make my batter bitter.But a bit of better butter--that would make my batter better."So she bought a bit of butter,better than her bitter butter,and she baked it in her batter,and the batter was not bitter.So 'twas better Betty Botterbought a bit of better butter."

" They both, though, have thirty-three thick thimbles to thaw"

It's silly and time consuming?! What a selfish shellfish I am!

Cheers every one ;)!

Mr. presedent, are you committed to justice?

2008-11-27T01:08:00.008+03:00

MR PRESIDENT (yes dears)
ARE YOU COMMITTED TO JUSTICE? (No need to question this)
THESE ARE THE THREE KEY STEPS ON AMNESTY INTERNATIONAL’SCHECKLIST FOR YOUR FIRST 100 DAYS (mmm, well...aaa)

ARE YOU COMMITTED TO JUSTICE? (hell, yeah!)
PROVE IT IN YOUR FIRST100 DAYS
(Eyes and mouth are wide open, Hilary pops her head up from the nearby window cheering)

1. ANNOUNCE THE TIMELINE TO CLOSE GUANTÁNAMO
2. ISSUE AN EXECUTIVE ORDER TO BAN TORTURE AND OTHERILL-TREATMENT, AS DEFINED UNDER INTERNATIONAL LAW
3. ENSURE AN INDEPENDENT INQUIRY INTO THE USA’S DETENTION ANDINTERROGATION PRACTICES IN ITS “WAR ON TERROR” IS SET UPCOUNTER TERROR WITH JUSTICE
WE’RE COUNTING ON YOU (I'm not sure about this though!)

I just love Amnesty...I really do!

so anyway, what are we demanding from Obama's administration? : "NO MORE WARS!"

I think Bush's administration has raised the world's tolerance toward violations of human rights and injustice...

good night.

Religious Fever?!

2008-11-21T17:26:00.002+03:00

I'm trying to analyze the reason behind the religious fever that is affecting Syrian blogosphere. I know it is a projection of the religious fever that is hitting the society. I'm really concerned about it, WHAT IS GOING ON?!

I don’t mind it, after all it is freedom of expression, but some of them are sending messages of not respecting the "other" freedom of expression, and more dangerously to attacking other's freedom of expression. Can any one help me out in here to figure this thing out? Is our society heading toward the religious mentality to hypnotize itself out of a miserable reality? Is it systematic? Chaotic? A normal result of giving the freedom of religious organization to move after decades of firm controlling? is it a type of defense system against the global media hostility against Islam?What is it?!

Our meeting with the British Foreign Secretary David Milliband

2008-11-19T14:39:00.009+03:00

I didn’t know that it would be a face to face meeting in which the Secretary will have questions to ask us rather than I thought it would be like an informal reception to the Secretary at the ambassador resident.

He was interested in hearing from us as Syrian youth how we think the best way to develop relations between Syria and the UK; he was interested as well in hearing our thoughts about how we see development is going in Syria, the educational system that he said that it is "too French", and we talked about local NGOs as well.

at the same time we expressed our opinions after working with British NGOs and that led us to talk about the British Immigration law, as I explained to him my surprise to find such division between refugees and other locals that I've seen through working in Govan - a community of refugees and asylum seekers in Glasgow-.

He also was curious to know in which country we as Syrian youth are affected by and would like to travel to, and asked specifically if we look up to Iran and Turkey.
My answer was that after the US invaded Iraq, our youth are less interested in the American culture and now the eyes are on Europe.

The last two questions were:
- What would you think the British embassy and the British council can do to improve Britain's image among Syrians youth?
Most of the answers were far away from politics and included more support to Syrian NGOs and to programs that include exchanges between the two countries.
I explained that the embassy is rarely to participate in social events or support NGOs, and if the British Embassy's name as a political representive of Britain along witht the British council as a cultural represntive are more involved in the Syrian society, it would help to get the Syrians to see that Britains are intrested in the Syrian culture apart from politics.
Mr. Simon Collis the British Ambassador, explained that funding such projects comes from the British Tax payers and the Embassy along with the foreign and commonwealth office will have to provide the prove for the need to such projects. Syria could do a big part in it by doing business partnership with UK.

one of the questions was:

- Where would you see Syria in 10 years, if I came here in 10 years what would I see differently?
I said that the change certainly would involve a stronger and more vocal civic society.

It was really interesting 40 minutes, the Foreign Secretary was interested in getting an insight to the Syrian community apart from politics; I think that Britain now is serious about building good relationship with Syria which is in Britain interest as much as in the Syrian interest.

However, nothing can be isolated from politics... it was interesting but defiantly not satisfying enough at least to me.

Closer to heaven

2008-11-17T22:43:00.010+03:00

Marmousa Monastery is where I can find God...

Not the same God that they told me about...

This is the place where I can create mine...

And it's the perfect place to get such perfect snapshots of the most meaningful looks ever!

Dancing in Heaven...Farewell Lawand!

2008-11-13T12:51:00.015+03:00

I was shocked to hear the news this morning, Lawand Hajo the principal dancer and choreographer of Ramad was killed in his apartment in Kidsaya... I don't know what to say really... I am still shocked!

I only met Lawand twice, such an impressive and creative artist...

"Ramad" will not be the same with out you... not on April 29th, you created a unique style of dancing, faced lots of challenges, sold your house to get your passion out to the light...

you will be so missed Lawand

what a lose....!

Updates:" my friends told me that police confirmed that Lawand was tortured before being killed, they broke his bones, killed him and then burned his body and the house, it was a clear hate crime… those criminals are filled with hate toward his light and chose to turn it off… "

Realization

2008-11-10T18:40:00.004+03:00

It's till last night when I realized this; it scared the hell out of me…
I don’t understand my self… I have always thought I do, I have always thought that I know myself very well, I was always able to predict myself, even others… but… when I realized it...

I fell…

Every piece of me is shattered into millions of pieces; I can't feel one structure of me, I lost the sensation of the ground beneath my feet, loosing the will to challenge or to fight, my reflection in the mirror is showing fuzzy pieces that were poorly manufactured.
This is the first time I feel unsure, hesitating, wavering, extremely weak and vulnerable, asking my self whys and not knowing the answeres…

I'm scared…

عودة إلى نظرية المؤامرة, سيداو هي مؤامرة صهيونية برأي د.البوطي

2008-11-09T11:53:00.006+03:00

سيداو, اتفاقية مناهضة جميع أشكال التميز ضد المرأة هي بنظر د.البوطي مؤامرة صهيونية...

مع إحترامي للجماهيرية و الشعبية يلي بيتمتع فيها د.البوطي لكن لما قريت هالمقال في موقع نساء سوريا لم أستطع منع نفسي من الضحك, يعني الصهيونية عم تخطط لتخلي الأم السورية قادرة على منح جنسيتها لأطفالها...
يعني هلأ لما أنا بالقانون عندي حق حرية السفر و التحرك بكون عم "أضعف الأمة العربية"؟؟

كلام خالي من المنطق

من المعروف من الشخصيات الدينية و السياسية العربية عندما يفرغون من محاولات التبرير لأي اضطهاد باحتضان نظرية المؤامرة الصيونية...

مع أني مع حرية التعبير المطلقة... لكن لما حدا يعبر عن أنه حريتي هي عبارة عن مؤامرة صهيونية, فتجاوزت القصة قضية حرية التعبير
شي مؤسف نسمع هالشي من د.البوطي ... شي مؤسف لكنه مو غريب

Mabrook Obama...BUT

2008-11-05T12:30:00.001+03:00

Iraq?
Pulling army from Iraq is like "hit and run", you can't just go into a country and fuck up every thing in it and then pull out… its not that simple.

Guantanamo?
Will prisoners in Guantanamo get fair trails and being treated as human beings according to the UDHR?
If not, then forget about the "change" every one is dreaming of.

And Left...

2008-11-03T19:40:00.000+03:00

And left …100 years ago

It was dark outside, and so inside. I closed the window as it was raining heavenly; I tucked you in and softly kissed your warm forehead while you were in deep dreamless sleep. Your smile was so pure and so I just sat there listening carefully to the noisy silence of your existence.
I put my big bag on my back and left ...

And left… tomorrow

I was staring at the dead end, you couldn't see it… I saw you there walking fast, you were far away and I could hear you breath, I could feel your heart beats faster than the pace of your steps… I held your hand, kissed it good bye… and left your colorful existence fade away in the dusty wind... and...Left tomorrow

And left… Today
Your hands are cold; your eyes are closed… I lay my head on your chest for hours, nights and years… just like 100 years ago… but your hands are still cold… you left me, left my dim empty existence to start your journey in heaven, make it darker and make it sweeter.

I miss the sound of your heart beats… I miss home.

Chronic Pain

2008-10-27T21:26:00.002+03:00

It is dark gray; it is getting darker… and darker…
When I left the council, when my foot stepped out side the BC and the nice cold breeze gently touched my face, I fell inside my self, I lost the ability to hear, their voices started to fade away, a dark dusty wind was running fast toward me and it hit me… it hit strong… it hit me fast, it left dark spots on my soul… I walked with them, but they seemed like they are living in their own world, or better to say I was separated from their world… isolated alone, scared, panicked… and lost in a storm of thoughts.
I tried to get back to normal… I tried to talk, to breath… to stop this weird feeling of sickness inside my stomach.

Then it was time to leave, I put my big bag on my back, carried my big huge red scrap book, said good bye with a fake smile on my face and walked away…
In every step I made I was sucking in all the pain around, inhaling all the yellowness around… I tried to focus on music, but even Radio head couldn’t help… nothing did.
Anger… rage, over it all
Over myself, disgusted by the way I was judging people from the way they dress, I feel horrible, why I am unable to stop myself being a jerk?

Angry at that man, walking his child pulling him from his tiny arm

Angry at that woman who is pregnant for being pregnant

Angry at the stupid driver who was about to hit me while I was walking on the SIDE WALK not the streets!!! I hit his car calling him names… but I don’t feel that was enough.

Angry at the death of 8 innocent Syrians who were living their lives normally before the hands of the devil slapped them hard, angry at the weak reaction toward this violence of our national security…

Angry at my father cause he died when I was so young and before I was able to have a proper conversation with him…

Angry when I passed by the hospital, when I looked up to the third floor when I witnessed the death of a 19 years old beautiful girl I knew from brain tumor last year, angry at God and at her "well Educated mother" who said while she was leaving in her fancy car "it is God will… nothing could be made"… I wanted to scream at her "yes there were …you asshole, when your daughter had headaches you said it was normal, when you kept her at home hiding her from life because you wanted to create a demon like yourself… you killed her you pastured"… I didn’t say so to her and so I feel angry cause I didn't.

Angry at the police man writing ticket to an old poor taxi driver, damn it… where is the mercy?? Fuck the system then… fuck it a million times.

Angry at them saying that we should stick to priorities when considering community development projects and so using the fund for helping young deprived people is more important that using it for helping people with disabilities to be included in the society, the mentality of decreasing the human's life value cause they can't benefit us!!!!

Angry at people who are happy all the time, and angry at myself because I am angry at them.

Fuck…. Fuck…. All that darkness inside us… life is a weird selection of all kinds of pain… my soul is in pain… chronic pain.

I can't breath my throat is swollen with sorrow, and I cry and cry and cry… and nothing changes except for the traffic lights…

Let the rain fall down and wash my tears away
Wash my souls away
Wash all that pain away
Wash me a way…
My whole existence...

"Update: this was written in a very angry state of mind, no damages happened ;)"

CEDAW with some discriminations allowed!!!

2008-10-25T15:32:00.001+03:00

What the fuck is the meaning of this statement:
"Syria signed on the CEDAW convention but with conservations "????

Notice the "ALL" in here:
CEDAW stands for The Convention on the Elimination of ALL Forms of Discrimination against Women.

So if it is OK for me to be treated as a second degree citizen, if it is OK if I was discriminated against when it comes to rights and responsibilities if I got married, if it is OK if I didn’t have the right to pass my nationality to my kids because I am a woman, if it is OK if I was stopped at the airport and asked for my "husband who is my sponsor's" permission, if is it OK if I was killed because I fell in love with some one, if it is OK for me to be considered half human by the Syrian law…

what in hell is the meaning of this statement:
"Syria signed the CEDAW convention with some conservations"

If our "respected" head of the Parliament was insisting that: "women are not considered as citizens" in the Parliament meeting through many statements he made...
http://www.nesasy.org/content/view/6569/110/

I leave it here, I just can't find any more words to describe the anger i am holding right now, nothing to describe how frustirated and disgusted i am feeling right now.

it is DARK... DARK AND DOORS OF HOPE ARE SHUT AGGRESIVELY ON THE FACE OF JUSTICE AND HUMANITY ON THE DOOR OF THE PARLIAMENT... FUCK!!

Boycotting Nestlé alone

2008-10-24T18:11:00.001+03:00

A new decision...
we all heard about the Nestlé's Unethical Marketing policies , I was refusing to research it because I was too selfish and didn’t want to feel the guilt.
But now after reading the research my friend did on the Ethical Consumer and the horrible unethical marketing means that Nestlé launches in the poor parts of the world for its babies' milk products causing the deaths of hundreds of infants for the sake of increasing profit and keep selling, I will say... NO FOR Nestlé, what so ever…

Nestlé is using the ignorance of African women who were not fortune enough to have any health education, forcing these moms into using water that could not be clean enough for the babies who didn’t develop immunity toward the pollution in the water… the moms think that the infant formula of the milk that is produced by Nestlé is better for their babies, with medical staff being bribed by money or so by the Nestlé sales agents , plus with the clinic getting all these free samples from the company, which they give it back in their turn to those moms who will keep using the samples till their breast milk will be dried… that will get these mothers to work soon, the work that they need it much to feed their family in their poor villages.
Thousands of infants died from diseases, diarrhea that is caused by poor nourishment and ill immunity that is caused by not having breast milk.
After knowing all that, how would I ever make a coffee with Nestlé trademark on it??

I know we don’t have fair trade -and actually I don’t trust fair trade's organizations like the co-operatives stuff- and we don’t have awareness into promoting for becoming ethical customers, we don’t have Oxfam in here, some of my friends and family will laugh at me and call me idealistic even after I explain why, I can care less... I will do what I can for now

I will give away my perfect Nescafe minutes, I don’t give a damn care...
All the chocolate products they make... what the heck, there are better taste chocolates out there.
There will always be alternatives, maybe better alternatives with less marketing aggression.

One less customer in Syria will not have any impact over this huge company, but I will not be part of this disgusting consuming blood sucking company.

please research this, and think about it

Bloody Fridays

2008-10-24T13:51:00.000+03:00

Painting my nails with dark red… red hot chill peppering… chilling around my messy room… sipping from the blue rosy mug some weird coffee that taste like Pepsi with Vanilla … not in a mood to read… not in a mood to eat… not in a mood to cry…not in a mood to walk… not in a mood to talk… not in a mood to breath!

I hate those bloody Fridays.

My dear lovely Brain, You Need Some Time Off, and so DO I

2008-10-22T20:51:00.000+03:00

Once I have done it (for 2 days) I reprogrammed my self into hope. My brain didn’t respond very well though.
How cool it would be if we could control our brains for every thing, if we had a control panel when we close our eyes, so we just click with our sight over the wanted option like " on hope", on" temporary numb", on" lie on your self and believe the lie" or on "lalalalalala…siiiiiinging in the rain, just singing in the rain, what a beautiful day what a .." moods?
You should be extremely good to be able to lie to yourself.
I know people who do it, who lie on themselves and then they believe the lie, they seem so happy, they see the word in pinky eyes, birds all around cheering and singing lullabies to laughing babies, nice clever people every where, talking rabbits and singing cows, cool air even when it is as hot as the Moroccan desert's 60 degrees that we learned about in the elementary school.. And above all, even if they were the biggest screwed up jerks in the world, they see themselves as the best successful, moralistic people ever!

I envy them, I mean … I really wish I can be a jerk like them, and stop cursing and hating every thing I do, nothing is enough to me, I am turning into mom … nothing is ever good enough.

I … its so freaking shit, I want to control my brain but my brain is like a crazy asshole, running around, laughing at me all the time, if I asked it to love, it will hate and if I asked it to sleep it will stay up all night, it put the "in your face" mood all the day, it put its tongue out laughing and dripping at my "hopes", calling me nuts all the time, screaming at my rationalism complexes all the time, I think my brain needs a break.
I love you my brain, you made lots of fucked up things in the world senseless to me which is saving my heart beats keeping them going, to learn that "fucked up world" is not sensible… which kept my hopes alive.
You were able to stop me crying out lewdly in several occasions, spared me embarrassment.
You were able to control my rage when meeting stupid arrogant people saying the most stupid ugly disgusting inhumane things in the world, spreading blackness and sickness around.
I know you have a good heart, but you need a time off.

Oh my stupid lovely weird brain, why you are forcing me into posting this crazy stupid post….

I want to give my brain a break, buy it some nice sunglasses, pinky rosy Hawaii t-shirt, a big bar of flake chocolate and some maltesers for the journey and send it to Alaska to freeze for a while, any one knows a nice brain travel agent?

An ordinary faceless man

2008-10-20T22:45:00.002+03:00

"A very long boring story"

Waking up 20 minutes late, I didn’t have much time to put my washings in or even having my law-fat "Yukky" cereals, I just took a quick shower, had very little time which I chose to dedicate for my holly coffee 10 minutes rather than brushing my teeth.
I picked up my backbag, made sure I have got my essential sacred items: my MP3 player, pocket book, keys, camera, cellphone, and the meeting stuff.
Slammed the door behind me, and pressed the bottom for the elevator, it took ages so I ran down the stairs, I tripped down in the 2nd floor and it looked like I hurt my ankle but what the heck, I am late on the first meeting..
I walked down the street to reach the bus stop, it was crowded that day and my ankle really hurt , with no time the bus came and I went up, I was fortune to sit next to the window cause I wanted to avoid any visual or any other kind of contact with people in the bus, like usual… I put the headphones on and played some Coldplay to fix my mood.
I took my book out of my bag "the kite runner" page 39, I started reading and I took a look at the window each now and then so I don’t miss my stop.
When I look through the window, all I see is just ordinary people doing ordinary stuff, buying some homos from the homosatie (homos shop), a woman holding her baby who is sucking a pink lollipop with sticky hands begging his mother to give him the freedom to move… all these kind of ordinary stuff…
I was flipping the page when I looked out of the window and there it was, a man with a black suit staring at an ordinary tree…
"Crazy people…!" I thought.
I looked closer; the man did not have a face!! A faceless man…!
I thought I was hallucinating; I asked the driver to stop and went down… I froze there for few minutes and then I thought… should I approach him? Is he dangerous? Is he infectious??? But my curiosity fraction of my brain stopped all these programmed electric movements that were moving crazily in my brain and send orders to my healthy leg and the one with injured ankle to move toward him, I obeyed and poked the man…

He turned to me and said: "what do you want you crazy girl?"

I answered with a petrified smile on my face: "I know that is a bit rude but I can't stop myself from asking you, why…"

And before I finished my question he side "am I staring at an ordinary tree?"
"Well, why you don’t have a face? I know this is none of my business but it is just …"
He answered with fragile, shaky voice: "for the same reason that you have red blood on your ankle missy, an accident… I just grew up"

"So you were born with a face?" I asked with poise
"yes, every one does" he answered and then he explained " I remember my face in the eyes of my mother when she used to kiss me, when her face was moving closer I used to see details of my face, my eyes… they were brown, and my nose.. my cheeks were as red as an apple.. she believed in me, she used to sing to me something about birds and she used to look to me while she sang to me night after night… but I grew up… poor as a stray cat, and days passed by and I kept loosing face features… one detail after an other, I went to the doctor to see what's wrong with me but he couldn’t figure this thing out…"

I interrupted him and said with all the excitement in the world "I know a cosmetic doctor who can do wonders, the best in Syria… no in the whole Middle East!!"

He laughed in a sarcastic way and said "as I was walking away from the doctor office, I lost even more features and so on.
I used to walk every day in these very streets, trying to see my reflections in the eyes of people but I couldn’t see but the judgment, blackness… they looked through my eyes while they were looking at me, I didn’t see me, I wasn’t there, some perspectives were there.. and so I became faceless"

He picked one leaf of the tree and gave it to me saying "smell it… touch it… feel it"
I took it from him and smelled it, it smelled like a something I knew but couldn’t recognize, for some reason the smell awaken my senses and I felt …sensi-tive

He took my hand and asked me to come closer to the tree, I took two steps forward and he said " look at the color of the wood, look at those ants climbing it, look at those yellow leafs moving under the sun giving them the good bye kiss… can you sense the character of this tree?

I looked at the tree, from every angle and touched the wood… out of sudden, that ordinary tree looked so interesting… it was "the" tree, not a tree.
I looked at the faceless man and I swear I could see him smiling… I could see some features, sparkling eyes…
"Thank you for listening" in a deep warm voice, and he walked away…
I wanted to say something, but he just disappeared among the crowd.

I spent that day walking aimlessly, looking at the people in the eyes and making sure that they can see their reflections in my eyes. And I could see, not ordinary… every one has different experiences every minute.

The sky was raining colors…

At the end of the day it hit me:
"It was a lemon tree… "the” tree was a lemon tree"

Side effects

2008-10-18T13:18:00.000+03:00

Here I am, feeling like writing something but don’t have any thing to write, did some doodling but not satisfied… how weird are those moments… it's just like there is some one else inside me want to tell me something or express something to me but can't reach my conscious for some reason!
Two minutes ago I was going through my stuff, searching for a pen and a piece of paper like an addict craving for her fix… but my brain is getting blank.
Something feels weird about my room; it smells like a doctor office! I think it's because of the meds and all the Ethanol stuff next to the lamp. I swear I can see them having a dancing party getting ready for my immune system's white flag that will rise very soon.

I have a love-hate relationship with diets, like I hate spending time in the kitchen making cabbage soup, calculating calories and worrying about not having enough proteins, I feel really sad over my self getting excited about the fact that I will have a non-law-fat cereals with skimmed milk this morning because I ran out of the law-fat one.
But at the same time, I love those glorious moments when I loose sizes…But most importantly, those moments of feeling high on the low blood-sugar. The feeling of carelessness. A painless existence of me… staring at the cover of the book I'm holding and thinking of…

nothing

Not all side effects are bad; sometimes they are good, some times they are needed if you look closely in'em!

Who is protecting the vulnerable? -1-

2008-10-14T15:58:00.001+03:00

Illegal immigrants in the UK are targets for criminals and armed gangs, illegal immigrants have no rights, the state won't provide protection to the "illegals", inspite the fact that according to the UDHR, those "illegal" human beings must be guaranteed the very basic human rights, most importantly PROTECTION!

Home

2008-10-06T11:40:00.000+03:00

My home is not a place… it doesn’t have walls or trees.

رزق الله!

2008-10-01T00:39:00.000+03:00

بتتذكروا أناني الحليب القزاز, يلي بدها فتاحة كازوز؟؟
بتتذكروا الكازوز شو كان بارد وطيب لما يكون في شوب و عجقة و غبرا...
بتتذكروا شبابيك السيارة القديمة كيف بتنفتح و بتتسكر يدويا؟؟
بتتذكروا أغطية الأدنين الصوف لما كنا نطلع على بلودان كل ما شفنا بنشرة الأخبار الجوية أنه في ( تساقط ثلوج على المرتفعات)
بتتذكروا أشرطة الفيديو الكبيرة قديش كانو يتشربكوا.
بتتذكروا الكنكنة و الدفا لما يمدوا السجاد على أول الشتوية؟؟
بتتذكروا لما كان بابا كتير طويل و جدو طويل كتير و طانت ماجدة عملاقة و الكيت كات الملفوفة بسولوفان من مضايا كتير طيبة؟
بتتذكروا صوت الرجلين و هنن حافيين عالبلاط لما نركض بالكوليدور قبل ما ينمد السجاد؟
بتتذكروا لما كنا فهمانين كلشي بس عاملين حالنا ما منفهم شي.
بتتذكروا لما كنا كبار, كتير كبار بس الكل بيقولوا عنا صغار؟

17

2008-09-27T11:24:00.001+03:00

17 people are killed… and no one knows any thing, no news agency knows any thing, no further details but ... 17 people are killed.

200kg of explosive… who, how, and why…
17 people are killed…I can't think right now, my brother was on his way to the airport.

They say it might be an assassination, and they say it might be only a threat to the national security.

17 people are killed

"المهاجران" لسوافومير مروجيك من إخراج سامر عمران "The Emigrants" A play by Slawomir Mrozek directed by Samer Omran

2008-09-24T18:00:00.001+03:00

تعتبر مسرحية المهاجران إحدى أنضج مسرحيات الكاتب البولوني المعاصر سوافومير مروجيك : هذا العمل المكتوب في منتصف السبعينيات في مناخ الحرب الباردة وانقسام العالم إلى معسكرين يكتسب في لحظة أحادية القطب الحالية معنىً جديداً. فمع العولمة تغدو لصفة المهاجر معانٍ جديدة، توحدها كلها صفة القسرية. منذ الخمسينيات اعتاد البشر على الضحك المجرد مع مهرجي بيكيت الوجوديين المنتظرين على قارعة طريق في انتظار
غودو. مسرحيتنا أكثر واقعية وقسوة. مهاجرانا – مهرّجانا لهما - ويا للسخرية - جنسيات وجوازات سفر، ولا شجرة لهما وهما في القبو، والليلة هي رأس السنة... يكتشف جمهور دمشق إذاً للمرة الأولى في إخراج سامر عمران نموذجاً كلاسيكياً-معاصراً لحداثة مسرح أوروبا الشرقية في نكهته المريرة « دراما مغسلة المطبخ » واللاذعة، ويرى معه تجاوز المسرح الأوروبي لتجريدية عبث الخمسينيات والسطح الواقعي لمسرح الحياة اليومية الفرنسي أو الإنجليزية في السبعينيات مع أحد كبار كتاب الانشقاق ومجالدة الأنظمة الأمنية في العالم، صاحب "التانغو" و"ستربتيز" و"حب في القرم".

"the Emigrants" is considered one of the most sophisticated play by the Polish playwriter Slavomir Mrozek. It was written in the mid-seventies during the cold world erawhich saw the world split into two blocs. Now, at a time when this polarisation no longer exists, it takes on a new meaning, In a globalised world, the word "Emigrant" has acquired different connotations. Which all share a sense of compulsion. Since the fifties, we have become accustimed to the abstract laughter with Beckett's existentialist clowns, waiting on the roadsde in "Waiting for Godot". This play is more realistic and hard-hitting, and our clowns – ironically – have nationalities and passports, yet no tree. They are now in the basement and today is the New Year's Eve.
With the direction of Samer Omran, the Damascus audience will see for the first time a typical play of contemporary- classical eastern European theatre. With its bitter and bitting humour. This theatre that goes beyond the abstract qualities of the fifties' absurdity, the realism of the French daily life theatre and the English "Kitchen sink Drama" of the seventies. Here the audience is going to be with one of the most important playwriters rekated to resistance of repression.

من الخميس 25 أيلول – الساعة 9 مساء – ملجأ القزازين ( شارع بغداد – قرب مقبرة الدحداح)
Starting September 25th – 8:00 PM, at al-Qazzazin Shelter (Baghdad street

Don't miss it!

Homosexuals in Syria, the ignorant ignoring of a right of existence

2008-09-21T14:58:00.004+03:00

I will go directly to the agruement that I've been through lots of times while discussing the cause of homosexuals in Syria.
The claim that homosexuality is "abnormal" is completely illogical because homosexuality does exisit just like heterosexuality exisits among all kinds of people, you can't in anyway disregard the fact that like heterosexuals have sexual relationships with the opposite sex, homosexuals have sexual relatioships with the same sex, different sexual orientations but same human nature, so .. Homosexuality can't be called "abnormal".

The claim that homosexuals can destroy the society is just a "hatred statement" and allow me to describe it as the most rediculous claim because it claims that allowing homosexuals to express their sexual orientations can spread out and that means that no one is going to be heterosexual any more and so no one would have children and so the growth of the society would be stopped and the world would end….
Seriously…. There are people who strongly believe so, and not in Syria alone, all around the world!
Giving homosexuals the right to express their sexual orientations is something that should be taken for granted and not argued, and if giving the right of expressing will spread homosexuality among people, it will only allowe people who are homosexuals to accept themslves and allow the society to accept and respect the rights of homosexuals and promote equality, it will not turn every one into homosexual unless he/she is.

According to all human laws, homosexuals JUST LIKE heterosexuals have the right of freedom of expression, of believe, of having sexual relationships, of marriege, of equal treatment, of BLOOD DONATION!!!!, of not having or beeing forced into hiding a part of who they are, so how come some laws in the middle east, like the Syrian law ban these human rights on the basis of sexual orientations instead of promoting them!!!!

I mean seriously… how rediculous that sounds? :
Read it carefully, and think about it for a minute…

"it is illegal to have different sexual orientations in Syria".

Conspiracy Theory (critisizing!)

2008-09-19T11:44:00.002+03:00

As a reply of the comments that criticized my previous post

"the conspiracy theory"" that was an expression of feelings. I follow the policy of not editing my post or deleting comments.
This was my reply to wassim critisizing me not offereing an alternative or analyzing to the frustiration I was feeling when writing the post:
" Wassim, my problem with this way of thinking is that it enforces the mentality of submition due to such religious "sayings".
I think the problem is bigger than this, the problem is with the way religion is used in this humilating way to control the minds of simple people who are searching for any relief, any thing that helps them to stand this unjust and the best way is by telling them that this is God's will… great drug to make them submit to the reality.
Religoius leaders use these " methods" consciously and unconsciously as they are victims as well to the weak structure of the society that is framed by religion; religions in general are so open to the elements of rumors, lies and theories and when that keep in the way the individual is living his life that is something but when it is used to encourage people to be isolated from the world and encourage the fear of the other and paranoia and enforce the submission mentality that is when I should not keep silent."

The conspiracy theory

2008-09-16T17:08:00.000+03:00

Sketch 1-

Sitting with friends in the old city, chatting about different stuff when suddenly someone who is a friend of my friend said this intersting statement:
"well, in Quran it says the Palestinian case will not be solved till the Doom Day"
Me: "…………….. – weird face reaction-………………….."
"ask any shekh, ya3ny as long as Masonics keep controling the word, we –as Arabs- will never recover"
Me: "……………. – straight face-……………………………."

Sketch 2-

http://blogs.independent.co.uk/independent/2008/07/the-cola-conspi.html
الله يهنيكون بهالعقل المتفتح و القدرة على التحليل.... يعني الله يخليلكون قرآنكون و نظرياتكون و شيوخكون الكرماء المنزلين رحمة من السماء
بس
إيمتى رح تنفك هالعقد فيكون بقى؟
when will we be able to look inside reality rather than switching theories that victimize Arabs and Muslims?
It breaks my heart to see not a small percentage of Syrian youth getting involved with such idiotic theories without even bother to research or to look inside the fragile society that we live in?
NO… it is not the fuckin occupation, it is not Israel conspiracy, this is our conspiracy agaisnt ourselves.
و بخصوص الكرامة و الشعب العنيد.... شو؟

The concept of Volunteering in Syrian NGOs

2008-07-25T15:24:00.001+03:00

The concept of volunteering in Syria:
Individually: a nice t-shirt, few photographs, little work to do and posing to Lyaleena magazine, then going out celebrating the "good" sense of humanity that all volunteers have…
This is where people place the principle of volunteering in Syria.

Mostly, in the Syrian mentality volunteering is not taken as the act or result of sense of responsibility toward the community. It is always some one else's job or responsibility. Neglecting the obligation that each individual has toward his or her own communities.
Not to ignore that our people are lack of believe in the power of one and so in the power of small groups/societies.

What we have learned and we have been taught in schools since very early childhood through "kawmya" classes and even through reading classes is that the "one" emerges in the "all" and the individual suppose to be melted in the society in order to become a "good citizen".
This is in my opinion the worst way toward creating the individual's sense of responsibility that is needed.
We need to encourage our people to identify themselves as independent powerful individuals who have the free will to participate and at the same time to make them realize that the state must be a public concern what ever their religious, political or even sexual orientations are.
And when we realize these facts and when people recognize the power of their individuality they can then build responsibility and sense of ownership toward their society.

We need to realize that good practice of citizenship is not through being neutral when it comes to decisions made by the state, or in another expression by staying away from troubles but good practice of citizenship is by being active members of the civil society –if there is any-

Citizenship must carry out actions that are results from loyalty to the society rather than the state.

Now I really do not know how I am going to start talking about Syrian NGOs without going through the confusion of the non-existence of the civil society.
Very few NGOs are now active in Syrian communities but mostly these NGOs are rather international like Red Crescent/Cross or religiously selective like the scouts or Islamic orphanages, or supported by public governmental figures like Syria Trust…
Very few NGOs started by individual or group's initiation who have a vision about a better society.

Moreover, on a smaller scale; NGOs with seasonal activities, which meant to be there only as a social image used, by some people from specific social class without any sense of compassion is involved in these NGOs.

On the other hand, NGOs which are struggling to survive legally or financially to exist in the reality of the non- existence of civil society.

Even NGOs who made it through these challenges and those who were approved by the state
are still facing one of the biggest threats for its effectiveness; which are simply the lack of two fundamental factors to any organization that are independence & freedom in which the NGO is given the resources or freedom to find its own to do research and independent space to put plans into action and the total freedom in pointing out the areas of society the need to be restructured or developed toward the wanted change.

This leads again to questioning the role of the already existing NGOs and if these NGOs are able to deliver and express the will of the society to the state with the absence of a protective law that can back their existence and activities.

Its long way till Syria will be able to create a proper volunteering culture which holds the society visions and common interests of its individuals who hold the will to change.
And maybe when the concept of citizenship is realized as responsibility toward the society rather than the state; maybe then, we will have the majority as empowered individuals who are seeking a civil society that express their will.

*what meant by NGOs in here are only charitable and cutltural NGOs , it is still way early to recognize legal, human right NGOs

Aleppo...till now

2008-07-22T13:12:00.003+03:00

Only this photo might express how I feel now about Aleppo...

Anger, Hope, Frustration, confusion and bitterness

But still, a dream is always there, as high as this citadel is and as small as their tiny dusty hands are.

Lost in Samarkand

2008-07-12T21:31:00.006+03:00

It's been so long since I stared at a wall for long...

since I planted my fingers into a golden warm sand...

since I felt my heart strongly beating

since I graped a deep breath and surrendered to my illusions...

sleeping in Aleppo, Lost in Samarkand...

It is never

2008-05-14T00:49:00.007+03:00

It is never a victory when one lebanese kills another lebanese.

It is never justified.

there is never peace when rights are lost.

there is never celebration when blood is on hands.

The blood will never dry.

It is never a nation based on religion.

It is never a promotion of state security when a blogger is sentenced to 3 years in prison for expressing his opinions

It is never safe to go out after midnight on a Saturday night in Glasgow

It is never... and it will never be

United Nations General Assembly Resolution 194,THE RIGHT TO RETURN.

2008-05-14T00:32:00.004+03:00

The General Assembly,

Having considered further the situation in Palestine,

1. Expresses its deep appreciation of the progress achieved through the good offices of the late United Nations Mediator in promoting a peaceful adjustment of the future situation of Palestine, for which cause he sacrificed his life; and

Extends its thanks to the Acting Mediator and his staff for their continued efforts and devotion to duty in Palestine;

2. Establishes a Conciliation Commission consisting of three States members of the United Nations which shall have the following functions:

(a) To assume, in so far as it considers necessary in existing circumstances, the functions given to the United Nations Mediator on Palestine by resolution 186 (S-2) of the General Assembly of 14 May 1948;

(b) To carry out the specific functions and directives given to it by the present resolution and such additional functions and directives as may be given to it by the General Assembly or by the Security Council;

(c) To undertake, upon the request of the Security Council, any of the functions now assigned to the United Nations Mediator on Palestine or to the United Nations Truce Commission by resolutions of the Security Council; upon such request to the Conciliation Commission by the Security Council with respect to all the remaining functions of the United Nations Mediator on Palestine under Security Council resolutions, the office of the Mediator shall be terminated;

3. Decides that a Committee of the Assembly, consisting of China, France, the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics, the United Kingdom and the United States of America, shall present, before the end of the first part of the present session of the General Assembly, for the approval of the Assembly, a proposal concerning the names of the three States which will constitute the Conciliation Commission;

4. Requests the Commission to begin its functions at once, with a view to the establishment of contact between the parties themselves and the Commission at the earliest possible date;

5. Calls upon the Governments and authorities concerned to extend the scope of the negotiations provided for in the Security Council's resolution of 16 November 1948 1/ and to seek agreement by negotiations conducted either with the Conciliation Commission or directly, with a view to the final settlement of all questions outstanding between them;

6. Instructs the Conciliation Commission to take steps to assist the Governments and authorities concerned to achieve a final settlement of all questions outstanding between them;

7. Resolves that the Holy Places - including Nazareth - religious buildings and sites in Palestine should be protected and free access to them assured, in accordance with existing rights and historical practice; that arrangements to this end should be under effective United Nations supervision; that the United Nations Conciliation Commission, in presenting to the fourth regular session of the General Assembly its detailed proposals for a permanent international regime for the territory of Jerusalem, should include recommendations concerning the Holy Places in that territory; that with regard to the Holy Places in the rest of Palestine the Commission should call upon the political authorities of the areas concerned to give appropriate formal guarantees as to the protection of the Holy Places and access to them; and that these undertakings should be presented to the General Assembly for approval;

8. Resolves that, in view of its association with three world religions, the Jerusalem area, including the present municipality of Jerusalem plus the surrounding villages and towns, the most eastern of which shall be Abu Dis; the most southern, Bethlehem; the most western, Ein Karim (including also the built-up area of Motsa); and the most northern, Shu'fat, should be accorded special and separate treatment from the rest of Palestine and should be placed under effective United Nations control;

Requests the Security Council to take further steps to ensure the demilitarization of Jerusalem at the earliest possible date;

Instructs the Conciliation Commission to present to the fourth regular session of the General Assembly detailed proposals for a permanent international regime for the Jerusalem area which will provide for the maximum local autonomy for distinctive groups consistent with the special international status of the Jerusalem area;

The Conciliation Commission is authorized to appoint a United Nations representative, who shall co-operate with the local authorities with respect to the interim administration of the Jerusalem area;

9. Resolves that, pending agreement on more detailed arrangements among the Governments and authorities concerned, the freest possible access to Jerusalem by road, rail or air should be accorded to all inhabitants of Palestine;

Instructs the Conciliation Commission to report immediately to the Security Council, for appropriate action by that organ, any attempt by any party to impede such access;

10. Instructs the Conciliation Commission to seek arrangements among the Governments and authorities concerned which will facilitate the economic development of the area, including arrangements for access to ports and airfields and the use of transportation and communication facilities;

11. Resolves that the refugees wishing to return to their homes and live at peace with their neighbours should be permitted to do so at the earliest practicable date, and that compensation should be paid for the property of those choosing not to return and for loss of or damage to property which, under principles of international law or in equity, should be made good by the Governments or authorities responsible;

Instructs the Conciliation Commission to facilitate the repatriation, resettlement and economic and social rehabilitation of the refugees and the payment of compensation, and to maintain close relations with the Director of the United Nations Relief for Palestine Refugees and, through him, with the appropriate organs and agencies of the United Nations;

12. Authorizes the Conciliation Commission to appoint such subsidiary bodies and to employ such technical experts, acting under its authority, as it may find necessary for the effective discharge of its functions and responsibilities under the present resolution;

The Conciliation Commission will have its official headquarters at Jerusalem. The authorities responsible for maintaining order in Jerusalem will be responsible for taking all measures necessary to ensure the security of the Commission. The Secretary-General will provide a limited number of guards to the protection of the staff and premises of the Commission;

13. Instructs the Conciliation Commission to render progress reports periodically to the Secretary-General for transmission to the Security Council and to the Members of the United Nations;

14. Calls upon all Governments and authorities concerned to co-operate with the Conciliation Commission and to take all possible steps to assist in the implementation of the present resolution;

15. Requests the Secretary-General to provide the necessary staff and facilities and to make appropriate arrangements to provide the necessary funds required in carrying out the terms of the presentresolution.

The keys in your hands , the keys in our hearts, millions of 194, The right to return back home in Palestine.

The Thing is...

2008-04-23T22:40:00.001+03:00

the other day I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing infront of a candle making shadows of people on a tree

Stephen Wright

Team 69...community action day 1 - go green!

2008-04-05T00:06:00.006+03:00

Team 69 going green!

the first CAD... and we've already found an umbrella, one and a half bike....

cleaning the forrest could be ~an inriching~ experience.

a great day we spent volunteering with
BTCV who are doing a great job develpoing community and saving nature...

Go BTCV!

Become balanced

2008-03-16T19:12:00.002+03:00

We all need time
To process…to evaluate…
To get old…
To understand…
And as I am told… to accept…

And we reach that… the acceptance..
When night will only mean darkness…
When daylight is the only reason you wake up for..
You become “balanced”
You become a good sane person…
you become “dependable”

this is what I am told

now what I tell, what I see
now, where I am in the cross roads
now …where I
am
dis appearing

trapped in a 2 dimensions world…

and just when you are overwhelmed with the concept of losing yourself

and then… just then… every thing will become crystal clear…
and you realize the facts…

and you are not a “balanced” person any more!

Numbers have names too- war crimes in Gaza

2008-03-07T22:11:00.012+03:00

Amira Abu Asr (Gaza’s Princess) 20 days

Angels under attak

Bara Naser Habib

Rania Iyad ( 8 years old)

some of the martyrs – March 2008
1-Eayd Abu Shebak 25, 2-Jacklin Abu Shebak 17, 3-Bassam Obied 45, 4-Mahmoud Bassam Obied 15, 5-Samah Asalyia 17, 6-Salwa Asalyia 14, 7-Mosleh Abu Ali 22, 8-Hamza El-Jamal 40, 9-Mustafa Abu Jalala 18,10-Muhamad El-Mabhoouh 17, 11-Hassan Rashad Safi 25, 12-Abed Allah Abed Rabu 20,13-Mustafa Manoun 21,14-Sa'ed El-Hasheem 21,15-Ibrahim El-Zien 26,16-Abed Allah Abu She'iera 18,17-Mustafa Abed Rabu 24,18-Muhamad Sliem 16,19-Ghada Saleh 16,20-Hussien El-Batsh15,21-Tala'at Dardouna, 22-AbedEl-Hamied Hamada, 23-Thabet Jenied22,24-Sultan El-Zien, 25-Muhamad Obied, 26-Mahmoud El-Attar, 27-Na'el Abu Oun 20,28-Abed El-Rahman Shehab 22 (one of Hamas legal Council ),29-Ali El-Ketnani, 30-Safa'a Abu Sief 12, 31 Sa'ed Dabour 18,32-Jihad Abu Helial,33-Thari Abu Obied,34-Tamer Weshah,35-Ahmed Saleh,36- Muhamad Eqila, Eqila, 37-Hassan Abu Harb,38-Khaled Att Allah,39-Ibrahim Att Allah, 40-So'ad Att Allah, 41- Mahmoud Rayian- 42-Abed El karim El-Haou 28, -,43-Omar Inshassi 20, 44- Ra'fat Yassin 22 khan-Yonis, 45-Hassan Abu El-Naja 21, khan-Yonis,46-Mustafa Zaghlol 32, 47-Belal El- Jamal 25, 48-Moa'tasem Abed Rabou 24, 49- Mosleh Muhamad Musleh 23, 50-Belal El-Jamal 25,
The following victims identified, the corpses were found badly burnt, their names have just been added to the list of Martyrs:51-Nehad Daher 12,52-Hamada Sa'ed 18,53-Belal Azaam21,54-Mohanad El-Shami 20,55-Muhamad Abu Rayia 19,56-Abed El-Mo'ty Sa'ed 20

DAMN YOUR PEACE EFFORTS
DAMN YOUR ONE STATE SOLUTION
DAMN YOUR NEGOTIATIONS
DAMN YOUR RELIGIONS
DAMN YOUR ORGANIZATIONS
DAMN YOUR MEDIA
DAMN YOUR LIBERATION
DAMN YOUR POLITICIONS
DAMN YOUR BOOKS… YOUR HISTORY… YOUR THEORIES…
DAMN YOUR TEARS AND WEEPING
DAMN YOUR CONSCIENCES
DAMN YOUR OIL, YOUR MONEY
DAMN YOUR ANALYZINGS
DAMN YOUR LEADERS
DAMN YOUR INTELLICTUALS
DAMN YOUR IDIOLOGIES
DAMN YOUR PRINCIPLES
DAMN YOUR ETHICS

AND DAMN YOUR BELIEVES

Using the “Nazi choice” against Palestinians

2008-03-03T13:08:00.000+03:00

“….If they don't stop after we kill 100, then we must kill a thousand and if they do not stop after 1,000 then we must kill 10,000. If they still don't stop we must kill 100,000, even a million. Whatever it takes…. “

Shmuel Eliyahu

Ne-ga-tiv-ity

2008-02-17T11:27:00.000+03:00

I passion fully hate negative people, this state of negativity in every word they say, in the way they say it, and in the purpose of saying it…
This defensive wall against falling, against facing the rights taken from them by themselves or others… the weak attitude that even if it broke down in a million pieces they stick by it whining and crying.
Those people who are trying to suck every hope out of your spirit, paralyze you with assuming that this is how things are and how things should be.
Yes people…. I can apply a change
Yes people…. I believe in my and every one’s Syria
No people….. I am not and will never get used to be comfortably dead
No people…. I wont lose the vision of my Syria
No people…. You may live in your “acceptance”… I wont.

Global Xchange (Glasgow - Aleppo)

2008-02-15T13:25:00.003+03:00

I believe that most of our problems in the world are the likely results of lack of global communications and compassion.
Politicians ruined our world rather than built it… and we are obliged to fix it.

I am so excited…
I will work as a full time volunteer for three months in Glasgow (Uk) and three in Aleppo
I will live with a British Partner from the team and with host families who where kind enough to take two strangers in their homes in both cities.
I’ll be introduced to a new culture to live and experience and to express my culture and my Syria in the best way – I hope-
And the best part is that I’ll work with my multi-cultured team in building and helping communities and organizations that vary from small to big but all with one goal, to make the city a better place and so the world a better place to live in.
I will learn the best way to fund rising, spreading awareness, work on what societies need in both cities.
Organizing events with the Global citizen days that will give a closer look to my and other cultures.

I may be over excited for this activity, and many people around told me to rethink it, they are 6 months with the minimum allowance and poor communications with friends and family at home.
But what make this exceptional that I’ll work on things I believe in – which stood a big setback for me to accept working in relatively big companies here- I hate suits and high heels careers.

Syrian History

2008-02-11T11:12:00.000+03:00

Today I was surfing a Syrian website that cares about documenting the Syrian history… and I realized how uneducated I was when it comes to my history.
I don’t know about you, but as I remember that our history education in our educational system never emphasize the Syrian history rather than the Arabian history…
How many critical characters in our political history we’ve missed learning about, some of them are really worthy to explore and visualize their visions about Syria…

Any how, here is the website Syrian History.
Not very detailed but rich with old documents and pictures, like this very interesting letter from Prime Minister Faris al-Khury, who was attending the United Nations General Assembly in New York, to Nabih al-Azma, congratulating him on launching a new political party in Syria. The letter was written from Hotel Mcalpin in New York on March 7, 1947.

Set the control for the heart of the sun _ Live at Pompeii!

2008-02-07T21:13:00.001+03:00

Little by little the night turns around
Counting the leaves which tremble at dawn
Lotuses lean on each other in yearning
Over the hills a swallow is resting (Under the eaves the swallow is resting)
Set the controls for the heart of the sun
Over the mountain, watching the watcher
Breaking the darkness, waking the grapevine
Knowledge of love is knowledge of shadow ( One inch of love is one inch of shadow)
Love is the shadow that ripens the wine
Set the controls for the heart of the sun
Witness the man who waves at the wall (Witness the man who raves at the wall)
Making the shape of his questions to heaven
Whether the sun will fall in the evening
Will he remember the lesson of giving?
Set the controls for the heart of the sun
Set the controls for the heart of the sun
The heart of the sun
The heart of the sun

It is really a shame that some of pink Floyd’s fans don’t recognize this master piece from their 1968 album “ A Saucerful of Secrets”…

They gave it a great performance in their musical DVD
“Live at Pompeii – the director's cut” which is the best musical DVD I have ever seen…
The directors cut (Directed by Adrian Maben) that was released in 2003 is much better quality than the original one, not to mention the amazing “extras"

I strongly recommend every one who wants to live the whole pink Floyd experience to get this one, I mean …Watching them play on the sand in the middle of this ancient empty Roman amphitheater in Pompeii
… setting the outdoor studio in such an extraordinary position …
Astonishing visual art, and you will get a whole new concept of the bass guitar, not to mention those amazing footage of them in Abbey Road studios working on the Dark Side of the Moon…
Just young musicians with a musical vision and an outstanding talent and creativity…

God…This DVD means a lot to me… it brings enormous memories… the good old days!

It is not just the memories…

It can just rave you away… to the heart of the sun

A Child's waiting execution in Iran

2008-02-06T11:15:00.000+03:00

Behnam Zare’ was 15 when he convicted with a murder, he spent 3 years in prison till he is 18 and now… this child is given 48 hrs to seek pardon from the family of the victim or he will be EXECUTED and become a victim himself of this barbaric inhumane judicial system.
The family how ever refused and Behnam Zare’ is at risk to be executed any minute now…

the Iranian court treats murders with the “quasas” i.e. the reprisal law , which brings us back hundreds of year ago, where those who invented this law where living in tents and … even though that Iran signed the
Juveniles justice along with the international law which clearly prohibit the execution as a punishment for those who committed crimes before they turned into 18, regardless of the crime.

More about Juveniles
"
People who were under the age of 18 at the time the crime was committed may not be sentenced to death, regardless of their age at the time of trial or sentencing. Article 6(5) of the ICCPR, Article 37(a) of the Convention on the Rights of the Child, paragraph 3 of the Death Penalty Safeguards, Rule 17.2 of The Beijing Rules, Article 4(5) of the American Convention. [Article 6(4) of Additional Protocols I and II to the Geneva Conventions of 1949 prohibit the death penalty being pronounced on people aged less than 18 years at the time the crime was committed.]
The Inter-American Commission has stated that the prohibition on the execution of children is emerging as a norm of international customary law, in view of the number of states which have ratified the American Convention and ICCPR, and have modified their national legislation in accordance with those treaties. [Resolution No. 3/87 (United States) Case 9647, Annual Report of the Inter-American Commission, 1986-1987, OEA/Ser.L/V/II.71, doc. 9 rev.1, 1987, para. 60. The Commission considered that the USA had violated provisions of the American Convention when it executed two juvenile offenders, even though having signed the Convention it had not yet ratified it.]
The Human Rights Committee deplored provisions in legislation in a number of states in the USA which allow the death penalty as a punishment for people under 18 at the time the crime was committed and the execution of such people. The Committee exhorted the authorities to ensure that people are not sentenced to death for crimes committed before they were 18. [Observations of the HRC: USA, UN Doc. CCPR/C/79/Add.50, 7 April 1995, para.16] “

This is not a solo case
More than 70 CHILD are now on the death row in Iran

Life is a Hieroglyph

2008-01-30T11:37:00.000+03:00

by: Ellia Abu Madi

جئت، لا أعلم من أين، ولكنّي أتيت
ولقد أبصرت قدّامي طريقا فمشيت
وسأبقى ماشيا إن شئت هذا أم أبيت
كيف جئت؟ كيف أبصرت طريقي؟
لست أدري!
أجديد أم قديم أنا في هذا الوجود
هل أنا حرّ طليق أم أسير في قيود
هل أنا قائد نفسي في حياتي أم مقود
أتمنّى أنّني أدري ولكن...
لست أدري!
وطريقي، ما طريقي؟ أطويل أم قصير؟
هل أنا أصعد أم أهبط فيه وأغور
أأنا السّائر في الدّرب أم الدّرب يسير
أم كلاّنا واقف والدّهر يجري؟
لست أدري!
ليت شعري وأنا عالم الغيب الأمين
أتراني كنت أدري أنّني فيه دفين
وبأنّي سوف أبدو وبأنّي سأكون
أم تراني كنت لا أدرك شيئا؟
لست أدري!
أتراني قبلما أصبحت إنسانا سويّا
أتراني كنت محوا أم تراني كنت شيّا
ألهذا اللّغو حلّ أم سيبقى أبديّا
لست أدري... ولماذا لست أدري؟
لست أدري!
البحر:
قد سألت البحر يوما هل أنا يا بحر منكا؟
هل صحيح ما رواه بعضهم عني وعنكا؟
أم ترى ما زعموا زوار وبهتانا وإفكا؟
ضحكت أمواجه مني وقالت:
لست أدري!
أيّها البحر، أتدري كم مضت ألف عليكا
وهل الشّاطىء يدري أنّه جاث لديكا
وهل الأنهار تدري أنّها منك إليكا
ما الذّي الأمواج قالت حين ثارت؟
لست أدري!
أنت يا بحر أسير آه ما أعظم أسرك
أنت مثلي أيّها الجبار لا تملك أمرك
أشبهت حالك حالي وحكى عذري عذرك
فمتى أنجو من الأسر وتنجو؟ ..
لست أدري!
ترسل السّحب فتسقي أرضنا والشّجرا
قد أكلناك وقلنا قد أكلنا الثّمرا
وشربناك وقلنا قد شربنا المطرا
أصواب ما زعمنا أم ضلال؟
لست أدري!
قد سألت السّحب في الآفاق هل تذكر رملك
وسألت الشّجر المورق هل يعرف فضلك
وسألت الدّر في الأعناق هل تذكر أصلك
وكأنّي خلتها قالت جميعا:
لست أدري!
برفض الموج وفي قاعك حرب لن تزولا
تخلق الأسماك لكن تخلق الحوت الأكولا
قد جمعت الموت في صدرك والعيش الجميلا
ليت شعري أنت مهد أم ضريح؟..
لست أدري!
كم فتاة مثل ليلى وفتى كأبن الملوح
أنفقا السّاعات في الشّاطىء ، تشكو وهو يشرح
كلّما حدّث أصغت وإذا قالت ترنّح
أخفيف الموج سرّ ضيّعاه؟..
لست أدري!
كم ملوك ضربوا حولك في اللّيل القبابا
طلع الصّبح ولكن لم نجد إلاّ الضّبابا
ألهم يا بحر يوما رجعة أم لا مآبا
أم هم في الرّمل ؟ قال الرّمل إني...
لست أدري!
إنّ في صدري، يا بحر لأسرار عجابا
نزل السّتر عليها وأنا كنت الحجابا
ولذا أزداد بعدا كلّما أزددت اقترابا
وأراني كلّما أوشكت أدري...
لست أدري!
إنّني ،يا بحر، بحر شاطئاه شاطئاكا
الغد المجهول والأمس اللّذان اكتنفاكا
وكلانا قطرة ، يا بحر، في هذا وذاك
لا تسلني ما غد، ما أمس؟.. إني...
لست أدري!
الدير:
قيل لي فيالدّير قوم أدركوا سرّ الحياة
غير أنّي لم أجد غير عقول آسنات
وقلوب بليت فيها المنى فهي رفات
ما أنا أعمى فهل غيري أعمى؟..
لست أدري!
قيل أدري النّاس بالأسرار سكّان الصوامع
قلت إن صحّ الذي قالوا السرّ شائع
عجبا كيف ترى الشّمس عيون في البراقع
والتي لم تتبرقع لا تراها؟..
لست أدري!
إن تك العزلة نسكا وتقى فالذّئب راهب
وعرين اللّيث دير حبّه فرض وواجب
ليت شعري أيميت النّسك أم يحيي المواهب
كيف يمحو النّسك إثما وهو إثم؟..
لست أدري!
قد دخلت الدّير عند الفجر كالفجر الطّروب
وتركت الدّير عند اللّيل كاللّيل الغضوب
كان في نفسي كرب، صار في نفسي كروب
أمن الدّير أم اللّيل اكتئابي؟
لست أدري!
قد دخلت الدّير استنطق فيه الناسكينا
فإذا القوم من الحيرة مثلي باهتونا
غلب اليأس عليهم ، فهم مستسلمونا
وإذا بالباب مكتوب عليه...
لست أدري!
عجبا للنّاسك القانت وهو اللّوذعي
هجر النّاس وفيهم كلّ حسن المبدع
وغدا يبحث عنه المكان البلقع
أرأى في القفر ماء أم سرابا؟..
لست أدري!
كم تمارى ، أيّها النّاسك، في الحق الصّريح
لو أراد اللّه أن لا تشق الشّيء المليح
كان إذ سوّاك بلا عقل وروح
فالّذي تفعل إثم ... قال إني ...
لست أدري!
أيّها الهارب إنّ العار في هذا الفرار
لا صلاح في الّذي تفعل حتّى للقفار
أنت جان أيّ جان ، قاتل في غير ثار
أفيرضى اللّه عن هذا ويعفو ؟..
لست أدري!
بين المقابر:
ولقد قلت لنفسي، وأنا بين المقابر
هل رأيت الأمن والرّاحة إلاّ في الحفائر؟
فأشارت : فإذا للدّود عيث في المحاجر
ثم قالت :أيّها السّائل إني...
لست أدري!
أنظري كيف تساوى الكلّ في هذا المكان
وتلاشى في بقايا العبد ربّ الصّولجان
والتقى العشق والقالي فما يفترقان
أفبذا منتهى العدل؟ فقالت ...
لست أدري!
إنّ يك الموت قصاصا، أيّ ذنب للطّهاره
وإذا كان ثوابا، أيّ فضل للدعاره
وإذا كان يوما وما فيه جزاء أو جساره
فلم الأسماء إثم أو صلاح؟.. لست أدري!
أيّها القبر تكلّم، واخبرني يا رمام
هل طوى أحلامك الموت وهل مات الغرام
من هو المائت من عام ومن مليون عام
أبصير الوقت في الأرماس محوا؟..
لست أدري!
إن يك الموت رقادا بعده صحو طويل
فلماذا ليس يبقى صحونا هذا الجميل؟
ولماذا المرء لا يدري متى وقت الرّحيل؟
ومتى ينكشف السّرّ فيدري؟..
لست أدري!
إن يك الموت هجوعا يملأ النّفس سلاما
وانعتاقا لا اعتقالا وابتدا لا ختاما
فلماذا أعشق النّوم ولا أهوى الحماما
ولماذا تجزع الأرواح منه؟..
لست أدري!
أوراء القبر بعد الموت بعث ونشور
فحياة فخلود أم فتاء ودثور
أكلام النّاس صدق أم كلام الناس زور
أصحيح أنّ بعض الناس يدري؟..
لست أدري!
إن أكن أبعث بعد الموت جثمانا وعقلا
أترى أبعث بعضا أم ترى أبعث كلاّ
أترى أبعث طفلا أم ترى أبعث كهلا
ثمّ هل أعرف بعد الموت ذاتي؟..
لست أدري!
يا صديقي، لا تعللّني بتمزيق السّتور
بعدما أقضي فعقلي لا يبالي بالقشور
إن أكن في حالة الإدراك لا أدري مصيري
كيف أدري بعدما أفقد رشدي...
لست أدري!
القصر والكوخ:
ولقد أبصرت قصرا شاهقا عالي القباب
قلت ما شادك من شادك إلاّ للخراب
أنت جزء منه لكن لست تدري كيف غاب
وهو لا يعلم ما تحوي؛ أيدري؟..
لست أدري!
يا مثالا كان وهما قبلما شاء البناة
أنت فكر من دماغ غيّبته الظلمات
أنت أمنية قلب أكلته الحشرات
أنت بانيك الّذي شادك لا ... لا...
لست أدري!
كم قصور خالها الباني ستبقى وتدوم
ثابتات كالرّواسي خالدات كالنّجوم
سحب الدّهر عليها ذيله فهي رسوم
مالنا نبني وما نبني لهدم؟..
لست أدري!
لم أجد في القصر شيئا ليس في الكوخ المهين
أنا في هذا وهذا عبد شك ويقين
وسجين الخالدين اللّيل والصّبح المبين
هل أنا في القصر أم في الكوخ أرقى؟
لست أدري!
ليس في الكوخ ولا في القصر من نفسي مهرب
أنّني أرجو وأخشى، إنّني أرضى وأغضب
كان ثوبي من حرير مذهب أو كان قنّب
فلماذا يتمنّى الثوب عاري؟..
لست أدري!
سائل الفجر: أعند الفجر طين ورخام؟
واسأل القصر ألا يخفيه، كالكوخ، الظّلام
واسأل الأنجم والرّيح وسل صوب الغمام
أترى الشّيء كما نحن نراه؟..
لست أدري!
الفكر:
ربّ فكر لاح في لوحة نفسي وتجلّى
خلته منّي ولكن لم يقم حتّى تولّى
مثل طيف لاح في بئر قليلا واضمحّلا
كيف وافى ولماذا فرّ منّي؟
لست أدري!
أتراه سابحا في الأرض من نفس لأخرى
رابه مني أمر فأبى أن يستقرّا
أم تراه سرّ في نفسي كما أعبر جسرا
هل رأته قبل نفسي غير نفسي؟
أم تراه بارقا حينا وتوارى
أم تراه كان مثل الطير في سجن فطارا
أم تراه انحلّ كالموجة في نفسي وغارا
فأنا أبحث عنه وهو فيها،
لست أدري!
صراع وعراك:
إنّني أشهد في نفسي صراعا وعراكا
وأرى ذاتي شيطانا وأحيانا ملاكا
هل أنا شخصان يأبى هذا مع ذاك اشتراكا
أم تراني واهما فيما أراه؟
لست أدري!
بينما قلبي يحكي في الضّحى إحدى الخمائل
فيه أزهار وأطيار تغني وجداول
أقبل العصر فأسى موحشا كالقفر قاحل
كيف صار القلب روضا ثمّ قفرا؟
لست أدري1
أين ضحكي وبكائي وأنا طفل صغير
أين جهلي ومراحي وأنا غضّ غرير
أين أحلامي وكانت كيفما سرت تسير
كلّها ضاعت ولكن كيف ضاعت؟
لست أدري!
لي إيمان ولكن لا كأيماني ونسكي
إنّني أبكي ولكن لا كما قد كنت أبكي
وأنا أضحك أحيانا ولكن أيّ ضحك
ليت شعري ما الذي بدّل أمري؟
لست أدري!
كلّ يوم لي شأن ، كلّ حين لي شعور
هل أنا اليوم أنا منذ ليال وشهور
أم أنا عند غروب الشمس غيري في البكور
كلّما ساءلت نفسي جاوبتني:
لست أدري!
ربّ أمر كنت لّما كان عندي أتّقيه
بتّ لّما غاب عنّي وتوارى أشتهيه
ما الّذي حبّبه عندي وما بغّضنيه
أأنا الشّخص الّذي أعرض عنه؟
لست أدري!
ربّ شخص عشت معه زمناألهو وأمرح
أو مكان مرّ دهر لي مسرى ومسرح
لاح لي في البعد أجلى منه في القرب وأوضح
كيف يبقى رسم شيء قد توارى؟
لست أدري!
إنّ هذا الغيث يهمي حين يهمي
ويكون السّمّ في العطر الّذي يملأ أنفي
إنّما الورد هو الأفضل في شرعي وعرفي
وهو شرع كلّه ظلم ولكن ...
لست أدري!
قد رأيت الشّهب لا تدري لماذا تشرق
ورأيت السّحب لا تدري لماذا تغدق
ورأيت الغاب لا تدري لماذا تورق
فلماذا كلّها في الجهل مثلي ؟
لست أدري!
كلّما أيقنت أني قد أمطت السّتر عني
وبلغت السّر سرّي ضحكت نفسي مني
قد وجدت اليأس والحيرة لكن لم أجدني
فهل الجهل نعيم أم جحيم؟
لست أدري!
لذة عندي أن أسمع تغريد البلابل
وحفيف الورق الأخضر أو همس الجداول
وأرى الأنجم في الظلّماء تبدو كالمشاعل
أترى منها أم اللّذة منّي...
لست أدري!
أتراني كنت يوما نغما في وتر
أم تراني كنت قبلا موجة في نهر
أم تراني كنت في إحدى النّجوم الزّهر
أم أريجا ، أم حفيفا ، أم نسما؟
لست أدري!
فيّ مثل البحر أصداف ورمل ولآل
في كالأرض مروج وسفوح وجبال
فيّ كالجو نجوم وغيوم وظلال
هل أنا بحر وأرض وسماء؟
لست أدري!
من شرابي الشّهد والخمرة والماء الزّلال
من طعامي البقل والأثمارواللّحم الحلال
كم كيان قد تلاشى في كياني واستحال
كم كيان فيه شيء من كياني؟
لست أدري!
قد رأيت النّمل يسعى مثلما أسعى لرزقي
وله في العيش أوطار وحق مثل حقي
قد تساوى صمته في نظر الدّهر ونطقي
فكلانا صائر يوما إلى ما ...
لست أدري!
غلط القائل إنّ الخمر بنت الخابيه
فهي قبل الزق كانت في عروق الدّاليه
وحواها قبل رحن الكرم رحم الغاديه
إنّما من قبل هذا أين كانت؟
لست أدري!
هي في رأي فكر ، وهي في عينّي نور
وهي في صدري آمال ، فوفي قلبي شعور
وهي في جسمي دم يسري فيه ويمور
إنّما من قبل هذا كيف كانت؟
لست أدري
أنا لا أذكر شيئا من حياتي الماضية
أنا لا أعرف شيئا من ياتي الآتيه
لي ذات غير أني لست لأدري ما هيه
فمتى تعرف ذاتي كنه ذاتي؟
لست أدري!
إنّني جئت وأمضي وأنا لا أعلم
أنا لغز ... وذهابي كمجيتي طلسم
والّذي أوجد هذا اللّغز لغز منهم
لا تجادل ذا الحجا من قال إنّي ...
لست أدري!

this poem by Ellia Abu Madi helped me to accept that "I dont know" is the knowing itself.
helped me through one of the worst yet greatest period of my life...
when I felt the most vulnerable cause I didnt know
when I kept myself locked in my room, surrounded by tens of books to realize him
looking for him... searching every word... sleepless nights trying to connect with him.
a friend sent me this poem...

and it helped me realize that it is unrealizable and making your own theory is the best way to realize it your own way.

I know few people will understand what I mean, those few went through this all...

Code...flu!

2008-01-27T12:32:00.000+03:00

Red light…

Code…….flu.

I sensed the infection yesterday…:(

I usually make a flu set whenever I feel about to get sick.

2 boxes of handkerchiefs
Amoxil 500
Activite
Panadole flue
Vitamin C + calcium
Orofar
Chicken soup
And a nice book to keep me company

I wasn’t a drug fan … I used to be one of those who believed that drugs are for babies, and I used to take it like a girl and fought the flu naturally in order for my immune system to get stronger.

Well friends, I now believe that how ever you tried, if you are stressed physically or emotionally … no matter how you tried, your immune system will be weakened.
And send you a message to slow down…

So yeah… I will have the day off and rest
And enjoy my drugged- treated- flu.

God, give Gaza's people spider legs

2008-01-22T14:16:00.000+03:00

A huge argument was raised lately whether that Palestinian’s few rockets pointed to Israel is the reason behind the last barbaric attack and blockading that was forced on Gaza by Israelis.

Olmert said that he had no intentions of letting Gazans "live comfortable and pleasant lives" until rocket attacks from the territory ceased.

"As far as I'm concerned, all the residents of Gaza can walk and have no fuel for their cars, because they have a murderous terrorist regime that doesn't allow people in the south of Israel to live in peace," he said.

So those who ever claim that Palestinian rockets are the reason of this crisis, are indirectly assuming that Israel is defending itself.

and no need to say THEY ARE NOT!!

Meanwhile we are naively arguing who started what and who is responsible for this crisis…

More than 800,000 Palestinian is threatened of starvation for the next few weeks
With no clean water, Gazans are threatened by multiple fatal diseases
More than 150 Palestinian were savagely killed
And Gaza is now living in the Dark…

Lighting a candle for Gaza will not light the city… but sadly, helplessly that is all what we are capable of doing from here… so we can feel a little better...
Helpless infront TVs and Newspaper crying over Powerless in Gaza .

Muhamad al Maghout once said “God, give me the spider legs so me and the rest of eastern children hang from our homeland ceiling till this phase ends”

And I will gather friends, you do to
lets make it a national prayer
and ask them to pray “God, give all Gazans spider legs so they hang from the UN’s ceiling till this crisis ends”

Amen...

A great start of the morning

2008-01-21T10:35:00.001+03:00

Wake up at 5, brush your teeth, put sweats on and go jogging for one hour…
Go home, have a shower and head to work, college, or what ever you have to do.

I am not a morning person… my mornings usually give the people who live with me the creep… bad mood, unwilling to talk till finishing coffee and with the last sip is when I wake up and be back to normal.

I am not an “athletic” person, in fact, I never lasted in a gym or a team more than few months (caused my high school basket team a big lost in the finals when I missed the last shot)

But yet
I had to change the way I feel in the morning..
I wanted to go biking but there are no places for bickers here in Damascus…
So I chose jogging… and it was GREAT!!
I can start with a million reason why jogging is good to your health, but I don’t care… all I care is that I felt good… relaxed… awake… and with no guilt of having a chocolate croissant with my coffee ;)

Cheers all

Chaos Theory, chaotic life

2008-01-18T12:46:00.000+03:00

chaos is the description of the complicated natural phenomenon..
and in mathematics describe the complicated behavior of nonlinear systems..

I am so overwhelmed with chaos, I guess every one will agree that every thing in life follow the law of chaos … the movement of a fluid is either unstable or not; the heart beats regularly but sometimes goes into a fibrillation; the weather blows hot or cold.

Chaos opens up the possibilities

I'm sure every one have heard of the Butterfly effect
“The phrase refers to the idea that a butterfly's wings might create tiny changes in the atmosphere that ultimately cause a tornado to appear (or prevent a tornado from appearing). The flapping wing represents a small change in the initial condition of the system, which causes a chain of events leading to large-scale phenomena. Had the butterfly not flapped its wings, the trajectory of the system might have been vastly different.
" Lorenz

And this is the beginning of the great discovery of the theory of chaos

Those who are against chaos don’t realize the fact that there is an order hidden in chaos…
This is what chaos theory is all about…look at this fractal equations that is known as the Mandelbrot set:
zn+1 = zn2 + c

*c is the number being evaluated, and z is a sequence of numbers (z0, z1, z2, z3…) generated by the formula. The first number z0 is set to zero; the other numbers will depend on the value of c. If the sequence of zn stays small (zn ≤ 2 for all n), c is then classified as being part of the Mandelbrot set. For example, let’s evaluate the point c = 1. Then the sequence of zn is 0, 1, 2, 5, 26, 677… . Clearly this sequence is not staying small, so the number 1 is not part of the Mandelbrot set.

Now, how exactly this set in turned into this photo
Here is a link that might help
I didn’t understand it totally yet, it needs time which I don’t have :(

The human heart also has a chaotic pattern. The time between beats does not remain constant; it depends on how much activity a person is doing, among other things. Under certain conditions, the heartbeat can speed up. Under different conditions, the heart beats erratically. It might even be called a chaotic heartbeat. The analysis of a heartbeat can help medical researchers find ways to put an abnormal heartbeat back into a steady state, instead of uncontrolled chaos.

Annnd MUSIC!
yes Music...
Music can be created using fractals as well.
Using the Lorenz attractor, Diana S. Dabby, a graduate student in electrical engineering at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, has created variations of musical themes. ("Bach to Chaos: Chaotic Variations on a Classical Theme", Science News, Dec. 24, 1994) By associating the musical notes of a piece of music like Bach's Prelude in C with the x coordinates of the Lorenz attractor, and running a computer program, she has created variations of the theme of the song. Most musicians who hear the new sounds believe that the variations are very musical and creative

this is just Amazing..

chaos is the art of creation...

and people wonder why I am so obssessed with choas!

people need to get lost in Mandelbrot set for a while… zooming in and out to appreciate the art and the greatness of chaos

Bon JoVi.. work on this!

2008-01-12T22:00:00.000+03:00

This is currently my life….

Every thing… the dim hope… the multiple directions… the uncomfortable seats… untied shoes –like always- , empty glasses and full bags…
people I can’t recognize… cant understand…

Up there, a lot of things going on
Things that are really distractive …
Loud noise..
Weird…weird thoughts
Irrelativeness…
no one will ever want to know about them…
chaos..
I love chaos..
Constructive chaos…
Chaos is good…

Arabism?!... Come on!

2008-01-08T13:56:00.000+03:00

I don’t believe in Arabism for so many reasons.
I am not honored by it… I believe in my country, my people, humans… but I don’t believe in Arabism which I still have no meaning for it, I still don’t comprehend the goal of it, the core of it, and the reason to fight for it since Arabic leaders shamefully have the “apotheosis” internal policy and the “kissing asses” external policy…
Things changed, new theories, new ideologies, new understanding, new cultures are being built, new people …
Plus I just want to know how the Palestinian cause is benefiting from Arabism?
Language is not enough, as long as we don’t share the interests…!
History is not enough, we don’t share the future…!
Religion is just a brainless idea to get united not to mention we don’t share one religion – thank God-
So why are we still holding on it?
It breaks my heart to say so, I feel defeated to say I don’t believe in Arabism and I don’t know why.
but we should stop lying to ourselves and start thinking of a new practical method to get away from this crack, to actually help our causes not because of fake relation that no one believes in but because of doing what is right and fight the mutual enemy we have, find the mutual interests and try to build it out.
We should Think critical and stop this tribal attitudes that will only hold us down.
I don’t believe in Arabism but I believe in my country, I believe in Humans… and I believe in Justice… this is my cause.

أنا

2008-01-07T18:21:00.000+03:00

"أنا أصغر من أصغر ذرة, و كذلك أكبر من أكبر جرم, أنا الكل, الكون المتعدد الأشكال و الألوان, الفاتن البهيج, الغريب العجيب, أنا الإنسان الرب, أنا جوهر الذهب, أنا مقام الجمال الإلهي بعينه"
Henrich zimmer – (the philosophies of India)

yeah we grow colder!

2008-01-04T20:46:00.001+03:00

Today I found by chance a couple of old cassettes belong to my very early childhood, one of them is for Remie Bandaly and the other is for remie and Magedah al roomy children songs…
wow those took me way back into a magical warm sweet feeling that I cant express… and flashes of memories went by and time went by so quickly..
I remembered and actually smelled my usual mornings when I was in my 1st grade till my 5th when dad used to wait with me in the morning for the school bus… he always asked me to run in order to feel warm when it is really cold… I have never felt such warm since those days.
I remembered when I used to climb the next building’s fence cause it looked more appealing for me than the opened door…
I remembered when I used to race dad to the car – an old old Peugeot- to turn it on and heat the engine, I used to get so down in order to reach the benzene … that was a big pleasure for me!
I remember grandma’s warm sitting room, and my aunt’s chocolates that she used to bring us from Beirut or any place she travels to, I remembered my own corner in the dinning room, it was always dark and cold, I enjoyed sitting there alone, writing or reading…I had big imagination…
I used to gather with friends in the school yard talking about Palestine, and putting plans to go there and fight, my role was to defect Israeli’s submarines.
I used to put plans with friends a lot… I had a friend who had big imagination like mine and we planned to run into the mountains and live an exciting life fighting bad guys – don’t judge me, I was like 6-
I remembered when I used to read what ever I find, I have always had a crush on Physics, I was no geniuses, actually even though I was really good at school but I didn’t realize some simplest things in science like I didn’t understand why the oceans in the southern polar never drop down nor the people living there till I was in my 3ed grade in spite of all efforts by dad!

When we were kids we were stronger and we were purer, we’ve always found stuff to do… we never felt empty, we never felt so damn insecure…
We grow colder as we grow older, we grow weaker ….and we grow smaller…

P.S: if any one needs a specific song by Remi I can share it as mp3 form.
Cheers every one :)

the eternal winter

2008-01-04T14:51:00.000+03:00

So, you are in pain… you are tired… and you feel cold
It is stormy outside, and it is so dark…
You can’t see but the empty half of the glass cause it is all empty…
It’s like an eternal winter… the winter that will never ends…
There are not enough wood out there to warm you up…
You feel weak and you feel empty…
Surrounded by hundreds and yet you feel lonely…
What do you do?

You wear your coat and fill up some hot coffee
You open the door, take a deep breath, smile …close the door and walk away as fast as you can…
You can work it out, you can make the pain go away, lighten your way…

You don’t have to learn how to love the winter, create your own season.

And I can’t find it again

2007-12-29T22:38:00.000+03:00

God, how did I reach this level?
I lost myself, I just did, and I don’t know how to gain it back
I lost myself…sticking around
I lost myself…not being strong enough to face the destruction of every thing in front of me…
I tried to save my believes but they are too heavy, too ideal, too damn unreal so I had to let them fall one after another…
This is just a fucked up life in a fucked up world

I lost me…

I am reaching out for me, and something stands in between… if I can only break that stupid wall, if I can regain myself piece by piece, then every thing will be ok.
Ahhh…I hate this blackness that comes and goes, maybe I have bipolar disease or something, maybe I am just too weak to get over this shit all, maybe I am stuck with this same shit till I die…
My friends have always told me that I keep their hopes high, I can support them but cant support myself, WHAT IS THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?!
No! I am not satisfied with any thing around me, every thing is a mess, every thing is lost in this big gray chaos
I cant fit in it any more…I cant even communicate well, I must isolate my self for a while… recollecting…

life is full of shit, I know … but if life is full of #*$@, and living in a country full of more #*$@, and in a society that is in more #*$@, and in a family that can be sometimes full of more #*$@, Then what do you become? full of #*$@.
But the problem is when you cant fit with this #*$@, and you are resisting being a piece of #*$@ like the rest of the whole world….what do you do?!

DAMN IT! DAMN!

I am really tired

addicted to radiohead

2007-12-27T19:51:00.000+03:00

Is there any song or a piece of music that leaves you high, like you are on drugs or drunk??
Well… my drug when things get really fucked up is “Paranoid android” .. I am skyscraper over and over and over… and every thing is well and every thing is fine again.

OSAMA

2007-12-25T15:45:00.000+03:00

I still feel unwell and irritated since I watched this movie 2 days ago…
It is one of the most irritable, astonishing movies any one can ever see… a powerful strike to our humanity…
Osama 2003…

A true story that represents thousands of other stories that goes on the same tragic track.
Written and directed by Siddiq Barmak, the acting team were no professionals I agree…except for Marina Golbahari’s amazing performance as “Osama”
This movie is the first movie made in the post-Taliban Afghanistan
The initial opening was with this saying by N. Mandella
“we cannot forget but was can forgive”

In Afghanistan, under the Taliban’s overrule who considered being a woman as almost akin to sinning against God. As a result, women were not allowed to hold jobs, appear in public without male escorts…
A terrified 12 years old girl was forced to cut her hair and wear her dead father’s clothes and pretend to be a boy in order to work and prevent the starvation of her mother who lost her job at the local hospital and her grandmother
Her grandmother said “my hair grew white and I haven’t seen a different between men and women , they both work equally hard and they are equally unfortunate.. a shaved man under a burka looks like a woman.. a woman with short hair, a hat and trousers looks like a man…. I will cut her hair …bring her father’s clothes”
Now called “Osama” She pays lots of efforts trying to hide her true identity in a constant fear of the barbaric Taliban, and as all other boys forced to go to Taliban’s boys school for religious teaching and military training… where the terror continues
when I finished it all I could hear was the cracking of the jumping rope

This movie can shake you hard, you can’t help it but to scream “NO” out loud, it can defeat your strength for a couple of days… BUT yet… it is a must see movie