Yesterday in the bus:
Lights were dim and so was the existence of every one around, trying to read George Orwell’s 1984… but it was too hot and too dark.
got off, met them, felt so sick but managed to stand there... laid my head back to the wall, paralyzed even to get my cell phone which was screaming inside my backbag.
He kept victimizing himself… and I kept silent, unable to hear him and unwilling to notice his existence…
An identity crisis, at the wrong time and wrong place…
2 days ago:
With Pete, Standing on Qasyoun overlooking Damascus, feeling so small and so existed:
“You know… I have a love-hate relationship with this city”.
Guilt…for loathing the society. Appreciation to love, history and diversity… hating the crowd.
Disgust, worship, anger, love…and guilt… lots of guilt, all at once.
It’s confusing.
An identity crisis, at the wrong time and wrong place…
But it’s ok, I will be fine… someday I will understand and maybe I won’t but it’s ok, I might wouldn’t have want to. It’s weird, but it’s ok, it has never made sense.
We break through and get locked in over and over and over, and nothing is as painful as getting locked outside you. Alienating yourself away… you breath inside out and get dressed outside in.
You think hard on how to stop yourself thinking and when you think you are able to be in the state of comfort, you just break down into tremendous pieces that you never thought they lived in you. You throw up diamonds but it cut your throat and you’re not able to explain, not even to yourself, you are voiceless and dazed…
I am not angry, I am not falling apart, I am not even sad…and I don’t understand a word of what I’m writing… but I’ve just realized, I don’t have to…
And I am not in denial… but I’m just confused… and I need to go for a walk.
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6 comments:
"but I’m just confused… and I need to go for a walk."
كان التسكع ولايزال الطريقة الاكثر فعالية بالنسبة لي لأتفادى حالات الغضب والأنزعاج وكذلك أتسكع عندما اكون فرحاً!!!
حتى اني اعتبر نفسي متسكع بجدارة
Looks like there are seasons for mass mood swings, we should really look into this!
I will refrain from saying what you're going through is normal (and I am going through it as well) - rather I would say it happens, and the important part of the experience is to take something valuable to your soul out of it.
The only advice anyone should give you here is to listen to what the inner you has to say.
How are we not supposed to feel alienated from ourselves, when the very foundations of our culture are built on the presumption that people “must” be alienated from themselves. How else is conformity to be achieved if not through alienation, if not through the unconditional answer that is advertised on the golden plate of sameness, a sameness advertised, cloaked under the dress of equality. When people are manufactured to be products, automatons who are willing to function without friction, sooner or later they'll go insane, and to avoid insanity, or keep it at bay, society provides a myriad of narcotics ranging from: television to advertising to sex to parties to alcoholism to workaholism...To feel alienated from oneself, is perhaps, a first step towards oneself, if one chooses his/her steps carefully.
@dr.lo.st,
There should start a "walk it away" sport club. I'm sure lot's of people would join!. As an angry pitching person (myself)who walk it away, we must have met somewhere ;)
@KJ,
I totally agree with you. I've noticed this "mass mood swings" too!
I think I am gaining lots through this; it's a kind of pleasure that hurts.
It’s only you who can bring you out of it, recollect pieces and add new parts, it's like surrealist art...isn't it?
Thanks for the advice :)
@ Pierre,
what can I say?. Truly wine of wisdom!
"a sameness advertised, cloaked under the dress of equality" melting in a plastic modal of society. Killing individuality can never promote equality. That’s what we need to understand.
To feel alienated from oneself is indeed a step toward oneself. I'm living it.
cheers!
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