Chronic Pain

It is dark gray; it is getting darker… and darker…
When I left the council, when my foot stepped out side the BC and the nice cold breeze gently touched my face, I fell inside my self, I lost the ability to hear, their voices started to fade away, a dark dusty wind was running fast toward me and it hit me… it hit strong… it hit me fast, it left dark spots on my soul… I walked with them, but they seemed like they are living in their own world, or better to say I was separated from their world… isolated alone, scared, panicked… and lost in a storm of thoughts.
I tried to get back to normal… I tried to talk, to breath… to stop this weird feeling of sickness inside my stomach.

Then it was time to leave, I put my big bag on my back, carried my big huge red scrap book, said good bye with a fake smile on my face and walked away…
In every step I made I was sucking in all the pain around, inhaling all the yellowness around… I tried to focus on music, but even Radio head couldn’t help… nothing did.
Anger… rage, over it all
Over myself, disgusted by the way I was judging people from the way they dress, I feel horrible, why I am unable to stop myself being a jerk?

Angry at that man, walking his child pulling him from his tiny arm

Angry at that woman who is pregnant for being pregnant

Angry at the stupid driver who was about to hit me while I was walking on the SIDE WALK not the streets!!! I hit his car calling him names… but I don’t feel that was enough.

Angry at the death of 8 innocent Syrians who were living their lives normally before the hands of the devil slapped them hard, angry at the weak reaction toward this violence of our national security…

Angry at my father cause he died when I was so young and before I was able to have a proper conversation with him…

Angry when I passed by the hospital, when I looked up to the third floor when I witnessed the death of a 19 years old beautiful girl I knew from brain tumor last year, angry at God and at her "well Educated mother" who said while she was leaving in her fancy car "it is God will… nothing could be made"… I wanted to scream at her "yes there were …you asshole, when your daughter had headaches you said it was normal, when you kept her at home hiding her from life because you wanted to create a demon like yourself… you killed her you pastured"… I didn’t say so to her and so I feel angry cause I didn't.

Angry at the police man writing ticket to an old poor taxi driver, damn it… where is the mercy?? Fuck the system then… fuck it a million times.

Angry at them saying that we should stick to priorities when considering community development projects and so using the fund for helping young deprived people is more important that using it for helping people with disabilities to be included in the society, the mentality of decreasing the human's life value cause they can't benefit us!!!!

Angry at people who are happy all the time, and angry at myself because I am angry at them.

Fuck…. Fuck…. All that darkness inside us… life is a weird selection of all kinds of pain… my soul is in pain… chronic pain.

I can't breath my throat is swollen with sorrow, and I cry and cry and cry… and nothing changes except for the traffic lights…

Let the rain fall down and wash my tears away
Wash my souls away
Wash all that pain away
Wash me a way…
My whole existence...


"Update: this was written in a very angry state of mind, no damages happened ;)"